They boys

BRANDON GOES NUTS AND CODI ROLLS OVER from wilddreemer on Vimeo.

Fuck that

I was reading this blog this morning when I saw this. Looks easy enough I said. I'm going to try it.
Am I doing it yet?

Hmm I'm going to try downward dog or what ever the fuck they call this shit

Yup! I look like a moron
Lets try that other one again

Shit I'm going to fall catch me Brandon...Brandon, where are you?

Ooooo your trying to do yoga too?

Hey Bob Harper, you may be cute but this is what Brandon and I think of your yoga!

I call this the fuck you pose!

lets vote

Here are the rules

1. Pick the joke you like the most and leave a comment with the name of the person who left the joke
2. The person with the most names in my comment section wins
3. If you are anonymous you must leave your name so I know who is voting
4. You can't vote for yourself
5. If you have a joke that you think is funnier, or raunchier or awesomer then any of these leave it in the comments and I will post it on here to be voted on.
   

Sarah said...

Q: What do you call a Filipino contortionist?

A: A Manila envelope!

Cristina Mathers said...

there once was a mother who woke up to no crying babies because her husband had gotten up with them, fed them and got them ready for a day out so that mommy could sleep in, get a pedicure, massage and go shopping. then she would enjoy a nice gourmet meal, some good wine and fabulous chocolate dessert. then she'd take a nice bubble bath and go to bed....


get it?

that was the joke.

Coffee Slut said...

What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Patty said...

There was a lady who owned a parrot and the parrot spend her days on the balcony. However this parrot would curse out all the neighbors as they walked by the house. The lady was mortified and embarrassed by the parrot. SO she warned...

Lady: Listen Lola, I'm going to punish you for cursing at the neighbors.

The parrot kept going and cursing at everyone on a daily basis. Finally the lady got fed up and chewed up some gum and stuck it on the parrot's tushy. Since the parrot could not relieve herself the parrot's belly got bigger and bigger.

Lola: I promise not to say bad words anymore. Please take the gum out.

Lady: No! I warned you. You are going to have to behave.

Lola: Please! Please! I PROISE! I PROMISE!

Finally after 3 days the lady gave up and removed the gum. The parrot was thrilled and she was let back out on the balcony just as a pregnant lady walked by and she said:

Lola: Hey Lady tell you husband to remove the gum from your ass already!

angie said...

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

No I can't get hard right now I just got laid!

Laura said...

A horse, a priest, a penguin walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says,"What is this? Some kind of a joke?"

Lindz said...

What do parsley and public hair have in common?

You push them both to the side and keep on eating!

Jennifer said...

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

My balls are frozen.

Misguided Mommy said...

jennifer: your cute!

Lindz said...

There are these two muffins baking in the oven.

One muffin says to the other muffin: "Gob damn it's hot in here."

The other muffin looks at the first muffin in shock and exclaims "holy shit! It's a talking muffin!"

uumomma said...

why did the avon lady walk funny?

cuz her lips-stick

uumomma said...

A woman orders a chicken sandwhich and starts to choke.
People are running frantically, trying to figure out
what to do. Two homosexuals sitting in the corner wisper
to each other and run in front of the choking lady. One
strips out of his overalls, bends over butt naked in front
of his friend. His friend proceeds to lick the other's ass.
Upon seeing this, the lady vomits forcing the lodged food
from her throat. After making sure the lady is OK, the two
homosexuals return to their food.

One turns to the other and says,
"Wow, that hind-lick manuever really works!"

(UU please leave me your link I'm posting this at work where I don't have my links)

100

I decided to redo my 100 list since my last one was written while I was very pregnant and emotional. Also this is a great way for my new readers to get to know me.

1. I used to spend a lot of money, now I don't. I am very selective on my spending.
2. This means that I used to think nothing of spending over a hundred dollars on jeans or a purse. Now, I look at anyone who does that and I kind of wonder what they are trying to prove.
3. I own several Coach purses, I am now putting several on Craigs list because I no longer want to be associated with that kind of image.
4. That means I've finally realized I am and will always be a jeans and tank top kinda girl who wears shoes with out laces and buys funky target purses.
5. I am happier now that I went back to my roots instead of trying to be someone I'm not and impressing people I shouldn't have to impress. Back in the day I wore my moms old tie-dye shirts and jeans rather then fancy prissy shirts and leather boots. I'm happy to be back to my Vans
6. I like to give credit where it is due. When I use someones recipe or I use their idea I always try and link to them, I like to do this to help the other people in the world get noticed. I'm also not to proud to admit when someone else helped me out with something or gave me ideas. In fact, 90% of everything I do or say I run by my mom or cousin first, and I always give them credit.
   
7. I make it a point to ask people about their lives at least once a day with out mentioning whats going on in my own life.
8. I've tried to learn to stop replying to everything someone says with stuff like, "oh me to," or "oh well I have a better story," I don't always succeed but I am trying so hard to make an effort.
9. I really genuinely don't like being touched. Only about 5 people in my life really know and respect this
10. I get more upset when I tell someone and they act like I'm not serious and hug me anyway
11. I don't like acknowledging how I feel about hugs so if you don't know most of the time I will just allow you to hug me and scream on the inside.
12. This is one reason I love my husband, he has learned to tell people to back off me when I'm not brave enough to do it
13. I've been in a state of depression for almost 2 months. I can't figure out how to get out, but I think I appear as a functioning depressed person
14. Last week I told my husband I wanted to go on medicine for this, but breast feeding is so important to me, I would rather be nutty for 15 months then not nurse my child
15. I am passionate about breastfeeding, I realize I come across bold about this and piss people off and I just don't care. If you physically can't nurse fine, but if you can and you simply choose not to, and refuse to even try, it's safe to say I have some pretty bold statements going through my head about you.
16. I am not sorry for this, I'm not sorry for a lot of who I am, I have to accept me and surround myself with people who are willing to accept that sometimes I'm just a shit head
17. I can't eat avocados or olives, or anything with a pit for that matter.
18. I just learned this which means I forget it weekly and eat something bad
19. When I do this it hurts like a motherfucker and I wonder how I could forget. I forget again an hour later
20. I can not cut chocolate from my life. I actually must consume at least one bite of chocolate a day or I might combust
21. I hate plain water. Which is why giving up flavored water for lent has led me to drink massive amounts of tea
22. All that caffeine does not make me any less tired
23. My newborn sleeps more then my 2 year old. I don't understand this
24. I really want to be funny but, I think I was born more dorky then funny
25. The sunshine makes my dork level increase by about 400%
26. I really want to have youtube video that is popular simply because of how geeky I am
27. I'm not very smart, I finally made a couple new female friends and they live so far that I can't even afford to go visit them. Emery, Patty, Jen I'm talking to you. Please kindly move to Nevada mmmkay!
28. I almost always look at the clock at 10:29 which is my birthday.
    
29. I feel like a geek noticing this
30. I am very uncomfortable around people who aren't one of the six closest people in my life, Lisa, Ginger, Katie, my husband and my mom and dad
31. I am far more comfortable around men then women. That means I'd rather have my husbands friends over then most of my own.
32. I want to play the drums sooooo bad
33. I do play a mean set of air drums though
34. I air drum the most to Offspring
35. Offspring is my favorite band, I think some people think less of me for this
36. I can only write in blue pen
37. I prefer real pencils to mechanical pencils
38. I get attached to objects meaning I get very angry if I find my pen on your desk and I didn't leave it there
39. That means when my thieving husband steals waitresses pens because they "write nice" I give him hell every single time
40. I have a phobia of restaurant glasses they oog me out
41. Often I have a phobia of all plates and silverware too, as bad as it is for the environment I would rather use paper and plastic so I know that my germs are the only germs on them
42. I STILL can not eat cereal since Ginger told me about the bugs in cereal. Even though I realize there is bugs in other food I have formed a mental roadblock for cereal and can not eat it
43. I crave cereal every day
44. If I was on Fear Factor and they offered me a million dollars to eat fish, totally normal cooked fish, I think I would go about happily being broke instead of eating fish!
45. I like to pop my hips, like people pop their knuckles
46. I don't paint my nails it looks weird when I see polish on my hands, I end up peeling it off
47. My three month old just pooped on me
48. I changed clothes and I still smell poop
49. I like the way newborn poop smells
50. Since I'm nursing Codi and I have the same scent of farts. I think this is funny
51. I haven't told anyone that because I'm pretty sure you all think I've lost my mind now
52. Curiosity gets the better of me an I have to look before I can flush
53. The sound of bathroom fans makes me insane
54. I hate cans that aren't built to stack with the bottom smaller then the top I always get mad and then refuse to stack those
55. I use cloth bags at the grocery store
56. I forget them 1 out of 5 shopping trips
57. I now have so many paper bags I don't know where to store them
58. I have never beat Mario one or three
59. Those are the only games I've played mostly
60. When I'm sick I don't like to drink water, it makes me throw up
61. I drink milk with ice cream
62. I drink milk with spaghetti
63. I will not drink whole milk
64. But I will put it in my oatmeal
65. I always remember not to cuss when my kids AREN'T there
66. When I was little my grandma taught me to walk in a straight line and cross my ankles like a lady
67. Because I walked in a straight line guys used to say I shook my ass
68. So did girls
69. Girls hated me in school for all the wrong reasons
70. They didn't even know about the actual reasons they should have hated me
71. People reaquaint with me now and tell me that I am much nicer then they ever thought I would have been, they were too afraid to give me a chance before
72. I love my eyes
73. I think it is important to know how to smile for a picture
74. Both my husband and I can do a perfect picture smile at any notice
75. I think this is because we both had braces and we really earned that smile
76. I made my dentist take my braces off early because I refused to start school with braces
77. Kissing boys with rubber bands in your mouth is nearly impossible
78. So is kissing your boyfriend right after having your wisdom teeth pulled
79. I think mine were defective because I didn't have wisdom even before they pulled them out
80. I write notes on my calender
    
81. I lose them every time
82. I am dying to see a picture of val and swistle
83. My favorite sandwich consists of fresh white wonder bread, mayo and plastic cheese.
    
84. I used to love hot dogs and bologna in my eggs
85. I used to love eggs
86. Now I only eat them hard boiled
87. Or in cake
88. Cake is good
89. I prefer chocolate cake
90. Do you have any cake?
91. I can't bake for shit
92. I can cook anything savory but baking cakes and cookies, thats a laugh
93. I don't mind eating cookies
94. Do you have any cookies?
95. Girl scout cookies are my favorite
96. I have heartburn
97. My rolaids are too far away
98. I wish I could be a better mom
99. I wish I wasn't crazy
100. Someday my goal is to accept me for me and have the rest of the world accept me too
     

Houston we have a problem

One year later

The day I found out I was pregnant with Codi I weighed 161. I had just lost 34 pounds. Here I am on 03.15.08

2 weeks after having Codi here I am at about 195

I've now come full circle. One year later I weigh 160.4 and am in the same outfit as I was when I got pregnant. I'm moving on to my next goal of 150 pounds.

ALSO, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICES THAT THE ONLY HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PHOTO ONE AND PHOTO TWO IS I SOMEHOW MANAGED TO GET WHITER???? WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE I LOOK LIKE A DAMN ALBINO!
To watch my progress along with the progress of my friends come see us here. Remember, it's not to late to join.
Tuesday Tummy Tuck

BULLETS

• I wake up often during the night. Ever time I wake up during the night, and in the morning I wake up singing the fucking Backyardagins commercial. If you watch Noggin you know what I mean. The BOINGA SONG. Boinga, everything is boinga (pronounced boyn GA). Boinga is a stupid song to have stuck in your head. So now, every time I wake up I am up for at least 45 minutes trying to stop singing Boinga.
  
• Last night for a little variety I woke up singing a tune from Lazy Town.
• Starting your day singing children's songs is a great sign of the day to come.
  
• I also lay around in bed thinking of blogs. For instance last night I laid there for hours saying, self, you need to post about the fucking boinga so maybe the fucking boinga will go away. In my head I said it just like that.
  
• Do you know that every time I'm about to do something I take my glasses off. This includes read. So right now I go to staple some checks and I put my glasses on my head. When I eat they have to be off my face. It drives me nuts, I hate having them on but can't see with out em.
• It is VERY hard to work with a new born smiling at you
• Yes I call my three and a half month old son a newborn what you gonna do about it?
• When I stack papers the smallest one has to be on top. So earlier I was putting all the checks in a stack. Most are stapled to a larger piece of paper but two aren't. Those two have to be on top or I totally freak out.
• On the same note when I make a bank deposit all the large size checks have to be in back and the small ones in front. Then they have to be written on the deposit in the order of smallest check to largest checks. Checks that are taller then the large checks but less wide really piss me off and ruin my whole day because they have to go out of order.
• I'm eating lunch right now egg salad, and ever since my husband toasted his bread for an egg salad I have to toast mine. In fact egg salad on untoasted bread is just plain wrong now.
  
• I've chewed so much gum today in order to avoid over snacking that my tongue hurts from all the chewing.
• I've had about 7 cups of tea today and I think I've peed more then when I was pregnant.
  
• It is 43 degrees outside and I'm wearing flip flops simply becuase 43 degrees is warmer then 10 degrees and there is no visible snow which means it is flip flop weather in my eyes.
• I am done with my lunch break that means I have to stop typing now and go back to working. Adios suckers!
  

Tonights dinner

Cheesy chicken pasta
See the recipe here
http://tasteytemptations.blogspot.com/2008/03/cheesy-chicken-pasta.html

Just not ready to go to work

I want to watch Iron Chef and sleep some more. Did you know having two kids makes sleep non existent? Did you know that the new born isn't the one causing the lack of sleep? It is the 2 year old who likes to wake up at 4:45 AM. Did you know 4:45 means he slept in? I've been showering at night a lot. Which means I wake up with that, What the fuck is wrong with my hair look. My bangs are slicked back on the top of my head, my hair has waves that aren't the sexy kind and my part kind of bends funny. I'm feeling bloated and nothing fits. Brushing my teeth would take effort. Bending down to put on socks would be considered my exercise for the day. Sigh. Do you ever feel like this?

I feel like a Shel Silverstein poem, tell me, how do you feel today?

Sick by Shel Silverstein "I cannot go to school today," Said little Peggy Ann McKay. "I have the measles and the mumps, A gash, a rash and purple bumps. My mouth is wet, my throat is dry, I'm going blind in my right eye. My tonsils are as big as rocks, I've counted sixteen chicken pox And there's one more--that's seventeen, And don't you think my face looks green? My leg is cut--my eyes are blue-- It might be instamatic flu. I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke, I'm sure that my left leg is broke-- My hip hurts when I move my chin, My belly button's caving in, My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained, My 'pendix pains each time it rains. My nose is cold, my toes are numb. I have a sliver in my thumb. My neck is stiff, my voice is weak, I hardly whisper when I speak. My tongue is filling up my mouth, I think my hair is falling out. My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight, My temperature is one-o-eight. My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear, There is a hole inside my ear. I have a hangnail, and my heart is--what? What's that? What's that you say? You say today is. . .Saturday? G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

Are you hungry yet

In case you were wondering what to make for dinner, how does smokey mozzarella chicken with asparagus and potatoes sound?
http://tasteytemptations.blogspot.com/