Like a very wise blogger once told me, don't let the ones you actually know in real life know about your blog unless your ready to be censored. Now a lot of my every day friends and family know about my blog and because of that there is a lot I can't write about. And I mean A LOT. Not because they don't know, but because it involves them and my family has a tendency to not want the things they said to be repeated for fear they will look bad. My take on that has always been, if you think it will make you look bad if it's repeated then maybe you shouldn't say it. Back to the actual point of this blog, that is going to be long, and probably I won't finish until much later after I get off work tonight. This week I had one of those days. You know the days that push you to the extent of your sanity. Not in a funny ha ha way, but in a way that made me actually want to come home and take a drink for the first time since July of 2006. Yes thats right, since I quit drinking I have never once looked back. Until yesterday. Yesterday I didn't just want a drink, I wanted to open my fridge take out the ice cold bottle and drink it until I was puking drunk. Instead I at a sandwich with calorie laden mayo and called it even. Why? Because I have kids. Because I was an alcoholic. And because I never ever ever want my kids to see me as anything less but the best mom I can be. So that is what todays blog is going to be about. The fact that for almost 8 years I had a full blown alcohol problem and not one single person close to me ever knew. Along with the fact that I don't even want to know how much hell I'm going to catch for writing this post.
I've always had mental issues. From a pretty young age I realized I had been blessed with "the crazy". I also realized that medications weren't for me**. I was okay with all of this until I was about 17. Around this time I had gone through the normal high school relationship bullshit, but at the same time there was so much other stuff going on. I was surrounded by people who never wanted to hear what I had to say, instead they wanted to tell me. I wasn't being allowed to choose my own destiny I was slowly being told what it would be. I had went away to a church camp and after being given a date rape drug a guy had sex with me when I didn't even know it was happening. I didn't talk about this for years because I knew that in the world I lived in, I would be blamed. I was right about that too. When I finally admitted it I was blamed. I was having serious body image issues and I never felt like I was small enough or thin enough. I was taking diet pills and puking and working out all at the same time. No one was seeing this (ginger and lisa knew about the puking but they didn't say anything because i asked them not to). At this point I was kind of at a loss so I started to drink. I didn't just drink socially I drank all day long. When I got to school I would grab a bottle of vodka and pour out 2/3 of a Snapple and refill it with vodka. Off I would go to class. Studying was easier, listening was easier and everything was easier. At my first break I usually switched from Snapple to a soda with flavored vodka in it. I almost got caught once when a teacher out of the blue opened a snapple bottle and sniffed it out of the trash, but she couldn't place whose it was. At lunch I would have something else and then I would try and stop before school was done and I had to drive to work. At night I was almost always drunk. I have insomnia and when your up all night drinking is a good way to pass the time. I tried taking prescription sleep aids and nothing helped. On the nights I really needed some sleep I would take two 10mg Ambian, drink a half bottle of Nyquil and take a shot of Jaegermeister and that would provide me with a few hours of restless sleep. I thought that maybe if I joined the Sexual Assault Support Services and helped others like me who weren't to afraid to speak out that it would help relieve some of my anger. Instead I was made to feel bad for helping them and not one single person respected the hours I put in with them. It was as though I couldn't win.
I started this a few days ago and its a lot of memories to bring up. So I'm going to stop here and I'll write more tonight. Please know there is about five more years worth of stuff for me to write about so I may not finish it all tonight but I'll post as I go. Also keep in mind when I say that people didn't notice this or blame me for stuff that I am surrounded by a lot of people in my everyday life and I am not singling out any on person or placing blame, in the end the things I did we my fault only!
** I think medicine is fabulous, and I respect anyone who takes it, I think I just realized my environment would never change and I needed to learn to deal with that on my own since medicine wasn't going to make the difficult things in life go away. So that being said, please don't think I'm some anti medicine person because really, I'm a huge advocate of people who are brave enough to step up and realize they have a problem and its better to handle the problem then to continue to lash out at those who support you. Because you're too embarrassed to admit maybe your a little crazy in the head.
I'm coming up on my 1,000 post. I had been thinking of something cool to do and then I was reading Cakerwakers blog. It made me go back and look at my old posts and comments. Want to see the first comment I ever received way back June of 06 when I started blogging?
I'm a very disorganized person in some aspects. I hate to clean my room, or put away laundry and my car is usually quite messy. But there are somethings that I just can't vary with. Before I had babies and I had time in the morning go to Starbucks and get a cup of coffee. I always went to the same Starbucks and since I didn't have kids I could walk inside and not just shoot through the drive through. I always take a certain road to my destinations. It's not always the fastest but it is the one I like the most. I only shop at one grocery store and on the rare occasion I try out a new one just to be sure I don't like it, I always end up regretting straying from my store. For the most part I've always dressed the same way. Jeans, a tank top and slip on shoes. In fact as long as i can remember there has been at least one pair of Vans in my closet (well up until they got stolen from my locker at the thug middle school I went to).
With clothing sure I've varied, I've had a few different things in my closet but for the most part it's easy to say I don't follow the trends. In the summer for the most part I still wear jeans. They are comfy and go with any shirt.
When it comes to cooking I have one knife that is my old standby. I have one pan for certain things. I like comfort and familiarity.
I think it is because of this that I don't keep a lot of people in my life. Because being a creature of habit means I need stable people in my life. I need people that I can rely on. My husband, Katie and Lisa are always on time. In fact those three also know that I go everywhere 15 minutes early and they figure that in when they come to meet me. My mom and Ginger are always at least 15 minutes late BUT they are reliably late. I know that if I'm meeting them I have a few extra minutes to go to the bathroom or browse the menu before they arrive.
There have been a series of people who have entered my life and then exited. I can give people a lot of chances but as soon as I can no longer rely on them, they have to go. I can't say that I've never stood someone up, but I always call and tell them why, even if the truth is that I just don't want to go. What I don't do is tell someone I will come see them and then just leave them there waiting. Something I really NEVER do is make plans with someone and forget (with that one exception of the time I was pregnant and made plans with both Steph and Ginger, but dude I was pregnant and out of my mind and it all worked out). What I mean to say is I would never ever make plans with a person and then just forget all together and make new plans and then leave my old plans hanging.
Part of this rolls over into motherhood too. If I tell my kids I'm going to do something I do it. That is why I'm very careful what I say to Brandon. He may be 2 but his memory is better then any one of yours. This means if I tell him he can have gum if he eats all his dinner, then 6 hours later Brandon will want to know where his gum is and 12 hours later he is still going to want his gum. That also means if I say I will take him to the park I better be damn sure to have some coffee in me that night, because my ass is going to the park.
I feel like so many people take reliability for granted. People take their word for granted. They think throwing out some meaningless promises and not following through is acceptable. I can't stand people who say sure I'll come this weekend and do this and then never come and never even acknowledge they said they would and then I waste my entire weekend sitting there waiting around for them. And finally when I call them and say hey, gee remember when you said this, they treat me like an alien because I took their word as truth.
I guess it is all of these reasons that my life is always planned far in advance. I always know where I'm going and when, and if Friday approaches and I have no plans, well then my plans are just that, to sit and relax and do nothing.
That's not to say I'm not spontaneous, because Ginger and Lisa can tell you they have been kidnapped for some random spontaneous trips many times. But even those are predictable. You can predict that if I have to go buy something I will call one of them. I hate to shop alone. Mostly because I like a second point of view. I have a tendency to see something I want and buy it. This is usually where Lisa comes in. We can spend HOURS picking out a purse, a knife, a pair of jeans, or something as simple as a rug. We look at it from every angle, we both try it on. I make her try on shoes so I can see how the shoe looks walking. Then we rationalize it financially. Is this something you will love forever Shannon? Usually Lisa can be right on target when she says, hey idiot your going to hate this in a week. This is why one of the most predictable things I do at the grocery store is stop 10 feet from the check stand and take almost everything back out of my cart because I suddenly realize I don't want to spend the money. That means if you are at my local smiths there is a great chance you will see a box of Cheerios sitting in the freezer section because that is where I was standing when I got shoppers remorse.
At work I'm the most predictable. I only use one pen, it must be blue and it must have my little I am loved button on it. I only use one note pad and my mouse has to be just so. If I walk in your office chances are I'm going to rearrange your mouse to suit my needs and yes I will forget to put it back your way when I leave. I like to eat lunch at my desk. I like to eat my lunch with a plastic fork. I prefer my coffee in a mug but everything else in a water bottle or plastic cup. This is why my work always has paper plates, plastic ware and plastic cups. At work I also like things in a certain spot. My stapler has to be right over there, no not there, there to the right a little. My staple remover needs to be over there and for the love of God can you please make my paperclips not visible to everyone else.
I only carry a Coach purse because along with being reliable comes a sense of loyalty. I pick a brand and I stick with it. I tried to buy a Dooney once and I felt like I was having a dirty little affair on all of my Coach purses. I tried to buy a Henkle knife but I could see my Wusthoffs giving him dirty looks from across the knife block. I tried to hang a white picture frame but the black frames all ganged up on him and made me paint him black.
Are you a creature of habit? Are there things that have to be done just so? Do you have to pour your creamer before the coffee for it to taste right? What are some of the things that some would consider your quirks but you consider normal?
Come by and drop me a line. Tell me your funny habits, but what ever you do, do not touch my blue pen or your ass is grass!
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