Random

First, run over here and check out how random my husband is being.

Look Swistle, way back when my baby had ear hats too!

I had some random thoughts today.

I hate going pee with a wet butt. You know like after you've been swimming or just out of the bath. I can't stand the feeling of a wet ass on a toilet seat.

Some time ago I discovered I love being in the bath tub while it fills up. However, I don't love when I get in, sit back and am rudely greeted by a fricking freezing bathtub wall. I spend a bunch of time splashing it with water trying to warm it up..I'm odd.

I think my cat likes my floors more the me.

I got Pergo instead of carpet because I couldn't live with the stains ANY MORE! I would rather swiffer until my fingers bled then ever clean up puke or chocoalte milk or macaroni off the carpet again!

I'm wondering how long it will be before someone eats shit on the new floors. I also wonder who will do it first.

Stephanie painted me this little angel for Christmas. It sits on my bookshelf in my living room. My husband today stuck his Giants Matt Williams bobble head next to the angel. He considers the Giants his personal angels or some shit. I think it looks ridiculous. He won't budge!

The night after they started installing the flooring Rob and I sat on the floor in the dining room to eat our dinner. I was wondering in my head if I farted what would happen. I thought maybe I would try it when Rob wasn't home, so I would know if it would make noise or not, since I DO NOT fart in front of Rob. The next thing I know a loud BRRRRAAAAPAPAPAAPP goes echoing through my house. Rob let out the loudest fart, however it was about 309 times louder since his ass cheeks were on the new floors. I will now never fart anywhere near the new floors as the whole fricking room echos now.

The other night I got a craving for Port of Subs. I sent my husband. I requested a sammy on white bread, with extra provalone, extra mayo, tomatoes and pepper. I got just that, only I got pepperocinnis instead of pepper. I scraped off the peppers but they had put so many on it turned my mayo lime green and I couldn't get the flavor out. Either way it was still delicious and I feel really bad for poor Jen who lives in a town with out Port of Subs!

FLOORS!!!

Behold my nasty stained carpets before

Ewwww vomit stains

Seriously who puts cream color carpet in a house???? Assholes!

Ohhh barf linoleum..this shit just screams germs to me

DURING

yay no more puke carpet!!

Adios germs!

Entry


AFTER!!!

Yay look at my sexy floors

Ahhhhhhh germ free!!!!! The only thing that could make it better would be to have some accenting granite counters (coming soon) and possible all new stainless steel appliances!!

Beatiful floors....fucking tile counters. ick eww ick ptooey!

OMG no more carpet in my dining room. This means no more macaroni and chocolate milk stained floors. I think I just had an orgasm thinking about the greatness of it.

Living room now!

This week in pregnancy

• My pregnancy tickers and calenders keep telling me that the babies movements should slow or have already slowed due to lack of space. My child however, is enjoying proving to me how defiant he already is by choosing instead to kick more frequently and harder! Jen blames this on the full moon. So great, my child is half man witch! Nice!
• I've wrestled with announcing this on my blog, for fear of appear any less sexy then I am. But then I realized, I'M SO FULL OF SEXY that nothing I say could make you all love me less. Anyway is it just me or has wiping after you pee become one hell of a task? I mean really, my arms are just not long enough to reach around my big ass belly anymore. I think I need to install a little shower head by my toilet like they have at the hospital.
• I think that if you are having a scheduled C-section you should be able to send a little message to your hips, HEY ASSHOLES YOU WON'T BE DELIVERING A BABY PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP SPLITTING APART!!!!! This shit hurts.
  
• I am on a mission to devise some sort of "thing" I can do to my husband to make him as uncomfortable and miserable as me, with out actually hurting him or letting him know I was involved. I'm thinking driving into him full blast with my SUV and then rolling over him 4 or 5 more times. Then he would almost feel as glorious as I do right now!
• Everyone, and I mean everyone keeps telling me how tired I look (fuck you very much for that). Their solution, "Shannon just get a little more rest okay, try and sleep at night." WELL SHIT! Why didn't I think of that. Sleeping at night never occurred to me. So here, tonight, just for me, please strap a watermelon to your head. Invite your brand new kitten to sleep with you (they will poke you and bug you about as much as a two year old), try sleeping on only one side, jam a nail into your lower spine, and have someone pull one of your legs all the way to the left and some one pull all the way to the right, and then really, JUST TRY AND GET A LITTLE REST!
  
• Telling me how great I look over and over and over, only to see me turn to the side and then exclaim OMG YOU ARE HUGE, I MEAN REALLY HUGE, I MEAN YOUR BELLY IS JUST LIKE POWWWW HUGE RIGHT IN YOU FACE, is not considered nice and doesn't make me happy!
• I haven't been able to see my bikini line in a few months now, I can't even see it in the mirror. I am afraid of what is happening down thee. Sadly even my husband is afraid to look and give me an update.
• The sex dreams have not slowed down. What a lovely little treat since I'm still not really allowed to have sex, and even if i was my husband is fuuuhreaked the fuck out about it all, so I'm left suffering through these amazing dreams with no end result for me. No wonder I'm so fucking grumpy huh I just need some ass!
• It just occurred to me that with a nosy nosy two year old and an infant, and leaking boobs I MAY NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN! I need a moment to catch my breath. I am a Scorpio I NEED SEX!!!!
• My husband is a Virgo, he is sooo not as sexual as me!
• I've only developed one crush this pregnancy, on Justin Timberlake. This is by far better then the time I went 9 months with out sex and fell right in love with that kid on the Dell commercials, the lead singer of Eve 6 and the UPS man at my work.
  
• Justin Timberlake. OH MY GOD HE IS LIKE SOOOO CUTE. And southern, and he sings, and dances, and has a great smile, and I heard he is great in bed. Dammit why didn't skinny Shannon get a chance to knock boots with him just once before getting married, knocked up and fat???
• Knocked up and knocking boots are sooo not the same. Although the involve the same area one is obviously more enjoyable then the other...oddly enough on leads to the other too!
  
• I need to pull my head out of the gutter.
• My boobs are leaking. I love when my two year old cries and it makes my boobs leak. I love when they leak at work. And I love waking up feeling like I'm covered in a hot sticky mess and I got nothing good to show for it!
• The guys who installed my new flooring yesterday so nicely left every single door open in my house. Ask me how many fucking flies I have in here now!

Oh and Christy. Reno sucks! Yes it is fucking snowing in September. We have a little saying here, wait five minutes and the weather will change. However the truth is, usually in five minutes our weather can change multiple times. I hate cold and snow therefor winter makes for a verrrrrry grumpy Shannon!

Isn't the first time supposed to hurt?

I finally caught up with everyone and figured out how to utilize my site meter thingy majig and see what stuff pulls up my name when Googled. I got my very first one and it was great. Apparently people find me if they simply Google

strapon dreemer

Hmmmmmm!

Dirty dirty little boys!

Don't worry I get it

Brandon and I are sharing a drumstick ice cream right now. The last piece of the extra yummy chocolate coating fell onto my leg. Brandon says I GET IT MOM. He picks it up shoves it in his mouth faster then I can say "give me back my chocolate" grins and says I get it huh! Geeeee thanks for sharing son.

Well isn't that sweet

My husband just said this to me:

"Don't worry dear, I promise not to plot against you with the boys for a few years, that way they will be old enough to run away!"

Well gee thanks dear!

But it is a good thing he is cute

Life with a two year old

• Choglet nilp choglet nilp choglet nilp. Fine Brandon here is your milk. Nooooo mom shake it shake it. Mom skakes milk and hands it back...mmmmm I lika it choglet nilp.
• Hold you hold you hold you hold you hold you hold you (translation, hold me)
• Help me help me help me. Can be said when he actually needs help OR can be said when I am trying to change him, or put him in the shopping cart, or generally doing anything he doesn't like. He starts screaming help me so it looks like I'm kidnapping him
• Brandon turn off the TV. NO I turn off. Okay you turn off.
• Okay lets put your shoes on. NO I put shoe on. Okay well put your socks on. NO I no lika sock. Fine no socks then. NO I put on sock. Okay well let me help you. NO I help you (translates to no I help me???). Fine do it yourself. I DO IT MOMMY I DO IT. Fine. Momma help me sock. Okay come here I'll help. NO I do it sock.
• Miggy Mouse Miggy mouse I watch Miggy Mouse
• Where papa. He's at work. Oooo papa wort. Where wabbit. He's on the TV. Where eyore? Where pooh? where Mramaw, where where where. For the love of God child I don't know where every damn person is every second of the day!
• Show me show me. Now to the untrained ear you would think he means show him something. No this means he is going to show ME something but he doesn't understand saying show you yet so he says SHOW ME! Any time he wants something he says show me then grabs you and drags you to where he wants you then tells you loudly SIT DOWN CHAIR. You better sit your ass down too or all hell breaks loose!
• Fwo up mommy Fwo up. This means mom, take this little teeny ass balloon and try not to push the baby out while you attempt to blow this shit up fast enough that I don't get impatient and begin jumping up and down mad.
  

Asshole nannies!

So yesterday my asshole nanny came to work. She is the lady who cleans our shop, and for some reason my son warships her so now she has become his at work nanny. It is helpful because I actually get work done while I'm there. However yesterday she let him stay up with out a nap until 5 fucking PM. Then kindly left him with me to deal with. So I'm stuck at home last night with a sleeping child at 5. I was super annoyed because I didn't think he would sleep until morning. I was right. At 5:45 he had a bad dream. The next thing I knew he was in a full melt down mode. For the first 35 minutes I think he was still half asleep and stuck in the dream so he was just going ape shit. Full on snot, booger, tear crying. Shaking, twitching and all around losing his Goddamn mind people. Finally he came out of the dream but was in a state of total over tiredness that he continued to scream for almost two more hours. Let me tell you how bad I wanted to kill someone, anyone at all yesterday. Well except for my son, because hell if I didn't feel so terrible for him.

Do you know how I know he was in a really bad way? Because I got so desperate I started doing irrational shit to make him happy. Including offering him oodles and oodles of chocolate. But people my son was so sad and upset and tired he turned down chocolate. I don't know what was more heartbreaking, his crying or that he didn't want chocolate. He didn't want milk, water, food, medicine, daddy, mama, papa or Elmo. Yeah we were in defcon 2 people, my son was pissed. Somehow I finally turned on Mickey Mouse (hate hate hate mouska mouska wtf is that shit) and he sort of calmed down. I finally went in to change his diaper and we turned Mermaid on in his room and laid down and the next thing I knew he was out.

Ohhh but it wasn't over. Around ten I found a little boy in my bed, and he only wanted me to cuddle him. Which meant laying on my right side (seering death pain, sleeping on right side while pregnant) and letting him sleep on my arm. So while I got zero sleep last night, he had a terrific night of sleep and woke up happy and chipper so I didn't mind. It actually felt good having him lay in bed with me and need me. As he gets older those moments where he needs his mommy are few and far between.

If that nanny comes in today though you can bet I'm going to give her a piece of my mind...I better wear ugly shoes so they don't get dirty when I put my foot up her ass!

Terms of endearment

First of all can I just tell you how annoying it is that Blogger doesn't do a spell check for your blog titles? I suck that bad that I need spell check for the 3-5 little words I post up there.

Anyway I've always been a pretty affectionate person when it comes to men. Meaning most men I speak to I refer to as hon, or dear or something. Now with my female friends this is quite different.

I just sent an email to a friend that started out with, hey ass munch. In my mind this is a very loving term. A few ways I refer to my dear dear friends.

Whore
Slut muffin
Skank bag
Bastard (Actually thats how Katie refers to me)
Jerk (usually what my cousin calls me, no wait, she calls me a jerkus)
Fucker

You get the point. If you are blessed enough to be called one of these names, you should feel a warming sensation in your heart knowing how much I love you. If you are a girl and I refer to you as something like dear, or babe, well then you should know, things between you and, well, they just aren't that serious.

If you are a guy, you can tell you are really loved when I tell you something like, Hey Jason I think you have short mans syndrome. Or you are a whiny cry baby little fucker. Because you know the old saying, if I didn't pick on you anymore it means I don't like you anymore. Which is why when my husband gives me shit, or picks on me, or throws stuff at me, or shoots me with the kitchen sink sprayer, I can rest assured knowing that he still loves me dearly.

How about all of you. Do you have special terms of endearment for the people in your life? Are there things your husband does to show you he still cares? How about things you do to show you still care? Because honestly if I didn't call my cousin an asshole at least once I day, I think she would worry I had stopped loving her. And honestly if Stephanie didn't tell me I was a bitch at least once a week I would surely I must be doing something wrong, and that quite possibly I need to give her just a little more shit to reassure myself her and I are in good standing. And really if I didn't call my son a little shit at least 49985niner times a day he may think I've stopped loving him.

So let me have it. What are your favorite terms of endearment, and your favorite methods of showing love?????