So much of this is famliar...And so many of my first time friends are guilty of these

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

How do I tell him

That he has to wait at least until high school to try out cross dressing?

I consider this cheating

I recently wrote about how competitive my husband and I are at Scrabble. However I did not know it was so bad he would study. Imagine my shock when I walked into the guest bathroom and saw this last night...

No wonder he was laying in bed this morning spelling out Q words to me...Little shit!

MY FIRST AWARD

I just got nominated for my first award. For some reason Christy thinks I deserve The rockin girl blogger award! And I know I rock and all, I just didn't know anyone else agreed with me. Now I feel all warm and squishy inside you know, my first award. Its as though I've finally been validated in the blogger world! After you win this award you are supposed to nominate five more people who you think deserve this award. Here are my five.

1. Ginger from That Kind of Girl: My first reason for nominating her is she is hilarious. My second reason is that it is so fun reading about the single life from her and all of her adventures. Now if only she would post more often. Like I said she is hilarious! So go read her, and comment dammit, let her know she is loved.
   
2. Jen from Lost in Translation: Because seriously she might be a funnier pregnant girl then me. Plus her page comes complete with tons of boobie shots and she also makes me laugh my ass off. Jen too, comment on her also!
   
3. Karla from Untangling Knots: She also makes me laugh my ass off all day. Plus, her son is sooo cute, even with his Fraggle Rock hair!
4. Swistle. She is nominated first and formost because she has like 15 kids and still blogs nearly every day. That is a blogger after my own heart. Plus she has a hilarious outlook on post partum, and parenting, and she even took the time to count diaper usage!
5. Weekday Wisdom: I pick her because she keeps me laughing. Is ultra creative (damn all her spiffy painting) and shes not afraid to talk about her poopoo troubles.

I want to stress that this was hard choosing only five people, because I love all of my readers. I tried to choose people who have maybe not been nominated before, and also people that just really really make me giggle on a daily basis. Now make sure you copy the image as a jpeg or whatever and stick it on your page and then nominate five more people!

100

1. When I have a doctor appointment I purposely wear something light so I will weigh less.
2. This means I also make appointments for 8am when I weigh less
   
3. I don't like drinking water
4. This means I only drink it out of a plastic water bottle or a plastic cup
5. This means at Thanksgiving when everyone at my table is drinking out of my gorgeous glasses, I'll be using my plastic Giants beer cup from a Giants game...I know I'm sexy
6. I'm still laughing that Christy called me graceful on one of her comments
7. I miss cheer leading
8. I don't miss the two worst cheer coaches ever on the planet
9. In high school our first cheer leading coach had to quit because her mom was our school book keeper and smuggled money from the school (oops)
10. I really love mayonnaise
    
11. I wish I was southern like Paula Dean and said all instead of oil
12. One of my all time favorite movies is My father the Hero
13. I have a dirty mind, I just checked my comments and Swistle wants to use her magic fairy wand on me, I'm the only person who can giggle when she says wand...he he wand
14. I love Mushu
15. I purposely don't finish my mushu so I can eat it for breakfast
16. I don't know how to spell mushu
17. I also can't spell definietly, definitly, definitely aha
    
18. Pizza is always better the next morning
19. Breastfeeding gave me pancake boobs
20. I am on a forever mission to achieve a hair color that I can not have (kind of like Rachael Rays)
21. I really really hate skinny people who complain about thighs and love handles
22. Blue cheese mortifies me
23. My husband pointed out last night we've been together almost 6 years
24. THAT IS A REALLY LONG TIME HOLY SHIT
25. I may have farted in class one day while I sneezed and blamed the guy in front of me
26. I may have also farted one time because Jeremy Granata made me laugh so hard
27. There was also the time my cousin was popping my back and pushed down and I farted on her
28. I should never never have admitted that I've farted before
29. I have never farted in front of my husband
30. I can't stop buying expensive purses
31. I hate to carry a purse
32. I own a lot of expensive MAC makeup
33. I don't wear makeup EVER
34. I really need a hair cut
35. I'm always freezing
36. This means my husband is always mad in the summer when I turn the fan off at night
37. I don't like dogs I think they are dirty
38. I'm starting to feel that way about cats
39. I believed my dad for years when he said he had a dog named deeogee, till I realized he meant DOG.
40. I am not good at taking naps I'd rather just get up
41. I always want new dishes in my kitchen, even when I just bought new dishes
42. It really makes me crazy Victorias Secret doesn't sell pretty bras in jumbo wumbo size
43. I really love Hell's Kitchen
44. I only use crushed ice
45. I'm on a mission to find Fragglerock on DVD
46. I hate laundry HATE
47. I am always very amused when I pee after I eat asparagus
48. My husband is not so amused
49. I just realized I must drive to Marie Calanders and buy a whole pie
50. The pie is just for me, back off
51. I can drink off the same cup of cold coffee all day long
52. I won't eat left overs that have milk ever because I won't reheat milk
53. I have been pulled over in the same spot for doing the same thing twice thirteen days apart...I received two identical tickets for this
54. I like to poke my belly button and see whats in it
55. I like to play online card games
56. I can not beat my husband at Scrabble
57. This is my third day of trying to find 100 interesting things about me, I'm sooooo over this list
58. I often wake up dreaming of sandwiches for breakfast
59. Likewise I spend a lot of time dreaming about mayonnaise
    
60. My pregnancy sex dreams..whoah, they are to naughty for even this site
61. I am not allowed to play Scatagories at parties anymore
62. Apparently I yell a little when I think your wrong
63. I am still trying to convince my husband that Ingles is not a high school class that starts with an I
64. If you agree with my husband you are a dumbass too!
65. I had no idea Lids were lingo for hats..huh?
66. I love strawberry Charleston Chews, no one sells them though
67. If you have a strawberry Charleston Chew please go ahead and mail it to me
68. Snickers Ice cream bars are the WORLDS BEST ICE CREAM EVER
69. I can't eat them because my son is allergic to peanuts
70. I can't resist donuts with pink icing on them even if its lunch I will buy it
71. I still don't know what flavor pink icing is....I just like it because its pink....mmmm pink is good
72. When I was little, like 8th grade, I thought the green M&Ms tasted better
73. I looooove those little Sixlets, they are now classified as nostalgic so I can never ever find them
74. I also love Berry Berry Kix and I guess those were discontinued
75. Doesn't matter anyway because I refuse to eat cereal now
76. Cereal is one of my biggest cravings while I've been pregnant
77. I like to pop my hips, I do this by standing on one leg and bending forward, it looks and sounds a lot like I'm farting
78. In fact, I crack my knuckles and toes...VERY OFTEN
79. I think Rob & Big might be one of the most funny shows ever made
80. It drives me nuts that Oprah says Ya so often..ya ya ya ya uggggggggg doesn't she pay people to tell her she says Ya to much?
81. I can play Monopoly for hours on end, accept when I play with my husband...Some people think he and I are a little competitive or something
82. I have a bad habit of saying Yes when I'm excited...But you know I do it while making a fist with my hand and pumping my fist down toward my side (similar to doing the choo choo sign but lower) while almost hissing Yessss
83. I do that in public, like when the waiter tells me I can have my favorite desert
84. I plan what I'm having for desert before I figure out my dinner
85. My husband says my eyes light up like the day my son was born when desert arrives in front of me
86. I consider French Fries to be a perfectly healthy vegetable for me
87. I am now contemplating driving to the Hilton's nostalgic candy store for some Sixlets
88. I can eat salt water taffy as a meal and then have more for desert
89. I wonder if my husband will drive me there now
90. I love the smell of tuna salad but I hate TUNA
91. I hate that clam chowder is always served on a certain day of the week, leaving vegetarians like me to wish I had some soup since restaurants don't serve a vegetarian soup
92. When I was little my cousin and I used to dress up like "grown ups" and take clip boards to department stores and pretend we were grading them on their organizational skills and service
93. I also used to dress up and go to the store with my bra stuffed to the size of EEEEE
94. I believe there is a pretty obvious reason why I didn't have a daughter
95. I used to nurse my cabbage patch (I'm not sure if I already listed that?)
96. I am really grossed out by people who blow their nose in the shower
97. I used to collect rocks when I was little
98. My favorite was the rock that looked like a steak
99. My parents used to get me my own adjoining hotel room and bring my sheets and phone so I felt extra special
100. I think they did this just so they could have sex with each other!
     

Clearing my mind and coming clean.

About a week ago a friend asked me if I ever censor what I write, or if there are just things I'm afraid to write about. The short answer to that is no. The long answer is that yes, the one place I don't venture is to writing about family outside of my husband and son. The reason for this, is that some people don't respect the meaning of friends or family and would sell me down the river in a heart beat if they were mad at me. I can see it now. I wouldn't loan someone a shirt so they would CC all the bad posts in my blog to anyone I had written about. So sadly I guess its just safer to say I'm smart enough not to trust my family.

The only other time I censor what I write, is when I just can't find the words to form the thoughts in my head. That is how I feel right now. I feel like right now I could copy the name of Karla's blog and call my posts Untangling Knots. No, I would never compare my stuff to her, because fuck that woman is amazing and deserves some kind of damn purple heart or some shit for what shes been through. I say knots because that seems to be what kind of mind fuck I've created for myself here.

I guess the best place to start is to say that I'm having a really hard time with all this bleeding and bed rest shit. I'm having a hard time in so many ways. I think the first way is that I feel like I'm failing as a mom to Brandon right now. I am having the hardest time not holding my son or picking him up when he falls. I don't know how to not be there 100% for him and being less of a mom is taking its toll on my soul. The second problem is that people are having such a hard time understanding this. They are really having trouble with the fact that right now all I can think about is my job and my son and my messy house. All I keep hearing is that this baby is more important then anything and I need to realize that and put my life on hold for it.

No one has asked my feelings on this yet. Right now a large part of me is feeling like, if I lose this baby, its because I wasn't meant to be his mom. Maybe sometimes kids know these aren't the right parents for them. I'm not saying I don't want to have this kid, I'm saying, I don't want to force something that isn't meant to be. I'm finding it so hard to continue to hear that I have to do what ever it takes to keep this baby in. All I can think is if he doesn't want to be there, I'm enough of a mom to let him go. I mentioned this once briefly to my husband and he looked at me as though I was a monster. So I've shut up about my thoughts. Every time I start to share it sounds like I don't want this kid and I'm hoping for the worst. But shit people, its really hard to act excited when every time I finally think things are going right I start to bleed again. Tell me, how in the fuck I'm supposed to get excited about that.

Then the other part of me is censoring for my pregnant friends out there. The last thing I need to do is freak them out you know.

I think one of the hardest parts is that it was recently brought to my attention that people very close to me are actually having the nerve to spread the rumor that I am milking all of this to get out of work. That I was taken off bed rest and the only reason I haven't returned to work is because my dad won't let me. While it is true that my dad is refusing to let me come back to work it isn't true that I'm milking this whole bed rest thing. So for you who feel that way here are some facts:

• Yes I was removed from bed rest and put on light duty, with the stipulation that I go two weeks with out spotting, I have, as of yet to go 24 hours with out spotting. In fact, I have yet to go a full week with out having bright read blood.
• I was told that although I was cleared this was entirely up to me. I was supposed to wait two weeks from my last cramp to do anything, I did not wait because I wanted to work and I wanted to be a wife and I wanted to be a mom. I made the decision myself. When I see the doctor at 3pm today I bet I get put back on for real bed rest for the fact that I have blood dripping out of me at a high enough rate to drop on the toilet seat before I sit down.
• Whether or not I'm working is none of your fucking business. To begin with, before you criticize me you should probably make sure you yourself have a job, or are being productive in your own life before you worry about me.
• You should also know that I've begged and pleaded to go back to work because my job means something to me. I am important at my work and on the few days I've gone back I've seen the place falling apart with out me. However, each time I've gone back I've come home only to start bleeding again.
• One more time IT IS NOT YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHY OR WHY NOT! IF I'M NOT WORKING, ME SOMEONE WHO LOVES HAVING A JOB, THEN THERE IS A REASON YOU FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT SO SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!

I'm finding so much about this to be hard. I haven't cried yet, that isn't my style. I have a habit of not freaking out until I know. I didn't cry when I thought I miscarried, I wasn't going to until I had the facts. I look back now and I'm so happy I didn't cry over something that never happened. However so much more of whats taking place around me, ie, not picking up my son, not working, not cleaning my house, and the gossip and rumors are really starting to wear me down. I'm surrounded by stories of woe, Sweet/Salty lost baby Liam, Zoot had a miscarriage, Life is so Daily talking about her nephew who died (this one has me so tore up I'm holding in vomit), and poor baby Kaleb whose fucking baby sitter shook him and smothered him causing him to be blind and lifeless. I'm now suddenly realizing that these things happen. I could lose this baby, or I could have it and he could die, or Brandon could walk out the front door tomorrow and get hit by a car. Suddenly I'm so overwhelmed with all of these fears that I can't even think straight. I want to hug Sweet/ Salty and hold baby Kaleb and I can't even leave my own house let alone muster any kind of words to write to these people.

However I have to say the hardest part of all of this has been the physical people in my life. I say physical because that discludes all of my blogger friends out there. I'm having such a hard time listening to these people tell me they know what I'm going through because they KNEW SOMEONE this happened too. Or because they were pregnant and one time they had a scare when they had a tiny cramp. Or the friends whose pregnancies were so perfect they can't even begin to understand what I'm going through, or the people who try and be so perfect they want to act as though they would handle this so much better and be so unphazed and so brilliant about it. Let me explain something, I DON'T CARE WHO YOU KNEW, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO YOU. I really don't want to hear from you if you've never carried a child, you don't know shit. And if you think you can do it better, obviously fucking not, obviously there is a reason God picked me, its because he knew I could handle this shit better then you so shut the fuck up. I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound rude, but really, with all I'm feeling right now if I want to be rude excuse the fuck out of me. I've had one friend, ONE out of them all, and this was yesterday, she hasn't had a kid, she doesn't know shit for what I'm going through and do you know what? She didn't even pretend to know. You know what else she did, she agreed with everything I said. Because at that moment I think she could just sense that I needed to be right about everything. I told her how I felt, that I was uncertain that I was meant to have this baby, that if I lose it that was what was meant to happen for us, and she said I WAS RIGHT! She just agreed! Shit, I could have said that the color purple should be erased off the earth and shit should be the new state food and she would have agreed. I was so thankful for those few minutes of emailing and yahooing her because to be honest I was on the verge of jumping off a cliff and she calmed me down enough to get back in bed and relax.

The reason I discluded my blogger friends, is that you have all been so amazing. I think the reason a lot of us read each other is we have so much in common. Most of us are moms, most of us have had a difficulty of some degree in pregnancy and most of us are out of our damn minds trying to parent out kids. Times like that, when you all send me reassuring words, or agree with me just for the sake of agreement, makes me wish I could have friends like you in person. Friends who are in the same place as me in life. Friends who don't judge me and just laugh off my sillyness. Friends who understand sometimes I really just need to freak out and come unglued on my blog to get over the hump. Friends who won't judge what I've just written. Who wont look at me like the devil because I said maybe this child isn't meant to be mine. Maybe he is, but who knows. We won't know until the end.

Going pee has never been so scary. I have to give myself a pep talk each time just to convince myself to go. I've never been afraid to pee and now every time I'm just afraid of what I will see when I wipe. Every night I'm afraid to sleep because I'm afraid I'll wake up in my blood again.

There are times I wonder if this baby feels I don't want him because maybe he thought I wanted a girl, or maybe he thinks I'll never love anyone like Brandon. Who knows how he feels, all I know is for some reason this child wants to give me hell. I'm writing this flat on my back because the pain of sitting up long enough to type this was killing me, I'm still cramping laying down, I just had a pretty dark wipe and I feel like shit wondering what on earth I'm doing wrong to bring this on to myself!

I never had these feelings with Brandon, I knew from day one I was going to deliver that baby. I knew I was going to be his mom. But this time, I have no clue. I wonder and question and I even pray about it. I ask God to just make up his mind and whatever he decides I will accept it and move on. Every time I get a hold on things and this baby moves or I finally think maybe I'll take the tags off the things I bought, I start bleeding, and the roller coaster begins again. I just want off this ride, I've never done well with roller coasters, I tend to puke.

Not lost

I'm not lost. I'm composing some thoughts. Trying to regain some composure. In the meantime I leave you with photos of my son the Elmo lover and his new found enjoyment of posing for the camera.

And please, don't ask about the box of baby wipes. He refuses to let me put them away because they are where he takes his pictures. We tried once to put away his picture box and he cried so hard, we just left it there for him to stand on. If I pull out the camera now he runs to the box, sits on it then points to the floor and tells me to sit down, then points to the chair making me set the camera up there so it can take a picture of us both. So now in order to get a picture of just him I have to come sit next to him but just purposely try and sit out of the shot. Then he rushes to see the picture and then yells for me to SIT DOWN! so we can do it again. He is such a ham.

It's like a whole new world

I didn't realize how quickly time changes here in Reno, well, actually everywhere basically. I mean, I've only been gone from the real world for three weeks and it felt so different when I ventured back out. The first and biggest surprise was Thursday when I pulled up to Starbucks and I saw THEY HAD A WHOLE NEW DRINK!!!!!!!!!! But wait theres more! They even had new snacks! New packaging even! Can you imagine my surprise when I pulled up to see a brand new Raspberry mocha frapaccino. RASPBERRY PEOPLE! MIXED WITH CHOCOLATE, ONLY MY TWO MOST FAVORITE THINGS EVER!!!!!!! So I pull forward and I notice OMG they now have a raspberry swirl loaf. I nearly peed my pants out of joy. Sitting next to me on my car seat for breakfast was a healthy orange juice, yogurt, carrot sticks and trail mix. This was quickly replaced by a Venti Raspberry Mocha Frapaccino and a thick slice of raspberry loaf. Huh, what was that about yogurt and carrot sticks?

Then I came home for a bit before lunch and I turned on Itunes, and thought I would visit the Itunes store. There was all new music. Apparently new songs come out even when I'm not there to hear them. I frantically composed a list of new summer favorites and updated my Ipod (this is not entirely true, I may have actually emailed said list to husband and told him to do all this for me since he has limewire on his computer and I won't allow limewire (we don't download music illegally, huh what who said limewire, huh) to taint my preshus white Mac Book, but his black Mac book can totally be tainted) I put my Ipod in my car and start bepobbing along to my new fantastic beats when I go to Rite Aid to pick up my prescription.

ONLY Rite Aid is now Longs, and the fuckers got rid of that tasty fresh ice cream Rite Aid used to serve. Dammit, I was really looking forward to a nice scoop of ice cream as my mid day snack before I picked up Julia for lunch. So as I wandered Longs I noticed that although they got rid of the ice cream they updated the candy isle. They didn't have my prescription ready because I was a Rite Aid person and my order didn't go through over the phone, blah blah so I left the store. However I didn't leave before purchasing the following very healthy snack:
1 Diet cherry Pepsi
1 Jumbo box Whitmans chocolate sampler (it was 45% off like you would have said no either!)
1 Jumbo box of Hersheys truffles (holy heaven on earth people)
1 Large bag gummy savers (which my son found and ate for breakfast this morning while I was being a good parent and snoozing on the couch)
1 Smores candy bar (because I'm to lazy to make a real Smore)

I did pretty good huh? I guess this is what happens when I've been cooped up in the house for too long. Oh yeah, just for the record I ate two truffles, no Whitmans, nearly the whole bag of gummy savers and two sips of the drink. I'm a rebel huh. The rest is in my garage fridge for next time I'm feeling like I need to binge. I'm such an enabler.

Then I picked up Julia for lunch and I swear I didn't remember Reno being this bright. We went to Jakes Place. This is a local place. We both ate way to many fries (but serious, they are the best fries, they are crunchy and kinda battered or something...lets just say they are like TFO's (tiny food orgasms). After lunch we figured we needed desert, because really now, I hadn't had enough desert yet right? So we went to Marble Slab and I'll be damned if they didn't have a whole new selection of flavors. Suddenly I was left to come up with whole new flavor combinations, and really there was no way I could try it all in one day so just to be safe I should probably go back there every day this weekend to try all the rest.

After that I stopped at the store and can you believe they now sell Raspberry soft lips. I mean I knew about cherry, and strawberry, and mint and vanilla but RASPBERRY. I crammed two of them in my cart so fast you woulda thought I had just found free chocolate.

I can't believe all the changes that have taken place this month while I've been gone.

For those of you interested here is my new summer play list:
Justin Timberlake Summer Love (because BEST SONG EVER)
Paul McCartney Dance Tonight (husband still laughing at me for LOVVVVING THIS SONG)
Plain White T's Hey There Delilah (the damn song just grew on me and stuck and now I heart this song)
Fergie Big Girls Don't Cry (I realllly tried hard to hate this song)
Bone Thugs I tried (because I'm gangsta)
Elliot Yamin Wait for You (because could I get anymore hip after the Paul McCartney?)

Then I have a few classics that I have to Rock
Tiffany I think we're alone now
The Four Seasons O what a night
Skee Lo I wish I was a little bit taller (because I really do)
Debbie Gibson Lost in your eyes (because you always need one sobfest song right?)
Coolio Gangstas Paradise (because I told you I'm a gangsta)
Counting Crows Mr. Jones

Seriously people, could I be any more fantastic in my choices of music? I bet you all wish you could be cool like me huh? I have so many more jams but these are my current faves. Really though, if you went through my Itunes you would all think I was looney!

Apparantly I'm not suited for kids

Or for adults for that matter. Here is what determined my blogs rating...

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

• shit (20x)
• ass (10x)
• fucking (9x)
• hell (7x)
• fuck (6x)
• sex (3x)
• fucks (2x)
• breast (1x)

I'm thinking this must have only been the first page because I KNOW I've said Fuck wayyyy more then that huh!

I'm such a classy gal eh.

MY TATTOOS

These are the tattoos that I've talked about. I have five but you only get to see four, since the fifth one would be A: Hard to take a pic of and B: bordering on pornographic. However I'll tell you a little about it, and some background. Number five: I got this after Eli and I broke up. He had some weird obsession with me shaving my girl parts, and to be an asshole I never would. The day we broke up you can guess what I started doing. Not only that he had this thing with telling me I was pretty naughty in bed (I AM). So to celebrate the fact that he was never gonna get anymore of my goodies (newly shaved and all) I went out and go this tattoo that was a halo with wings coming out and a devil tail that says NAUGHTY. Its sooo sexy and its about a millimeter away from my girl parts. In fact my doctor had to cut very carefully when he did my C section as to not mess up my lettering...he giggled through the whole surgery.

I got this one right after my grandma died. It was supposed to symbolize that I'm a scorpio and that I'm a survivor. I got this one because I was still getting over the asshole mentioned above (in fact when I called to tell him my grandma died his exact words were, "thats not my problem anymore get over it". What a fucking prize huh. So at this point in my life I was surviving a lot of shit. Anyway I say it was "supposed" to say those things because apparantly when you look up symbols online and there are two symbols, THAT DOESN'T MEAN PICK YOUR FAVORITE OF THE TWO, it means both those symbols equal one word. OOP'S. I've now been told it says something about loss and love. Oh well, it looks pretty right!

I got this one when I was 15 so its not the darkest anymore. I found something similar in a book and then I changed it and made it how I wanted it. Then my mom made a copy of it and crazy glued it to my leg and made me stare at it every day for like 4 days to make sure I didn't hate it. Then I got it and 10 years later I still love it. It reminds me I totally kicked ass in high school.

I got this one just for shits and giggles when I turned 18 because now I could get tattoos without my mom signing off. Plus tattoos are addicting and I swear I will stop after I get 5 more. Also, my ass doesn't look half bad here minus my obvious granny panties. But seriously, I'm pregnant granny panties are a necessity!

I got this one after Rob and I had been together for a while. It's a heart, duh. The word mahal, meaning love in Filipino and the Chinese character for love. Basically its just love three ways. It was supposed to be way different but the guy said to get what I wanted would have been huge. Since I was being all normal back then we downsized it. Now a few years later I'm like fuck it I shoulda got the huge ass one that I had drawn out.

The next ones I want are totally copying Tommy Lee and his kids. Both Rob and I want to have our kids write their names on us and then have them tattooed over. I still need something for my dad and grandma dying...I think something like the AC/DC symbol (my dad was obsessed) but instead of those letters doing RK/BK. Then I need both kids birth dates. And of course WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE, because I just love tattoos. I meant to already have Brandons birth date on me but since I nurse for LIKE EVER I couldn't and then I got pregnant sooooo I'll do both kids at once and then count that as one tattoo and say I still need four more!

Also don't forget to read down to my anniversary blog and follow the directions!