Friendship

Growing up, I didn't have many friends. Not because I was a dork, or I smelled weird, or I was that strange girl in class. I didn't really have many friends, because that was what seemed normal for my family. I realized early on that my parents really didn't have friends. I just assumed, that since it worked for them, that it would work for me. It wasn't until very recently that I understood, they didn't have friends because they weren't friendship material. I always had my two close friends, Ginger and Katie and my cousin but besides them, I never really kept anyone close in my life. When I met Rob, he had all kinds of friends. This kid has friends coming out his ears, and a few hiding between his toes. I didn't understand it at all. In fact I was hugely bothered by it.

You see, growing up, I was basically taught that, you only did something for someone, if you expected something greater in return. I was also taught to look for all of the negative things about people to help myself seem better. My parents are great at this. I noticed recently, that they spend all of their time looking for the bad in every situation. I regularly hear them saying things like OMG can you believe so in so did this, its so dumb, they should have done it my way. I used to get involved in the hype and gossip with em and now I just shrug my shoulders and say "Hey, its so in so, what do you expect, they have been this way for years, why does it surprise you now?"

Back to my husband. Like I said he had tons of friends. Friends who always wanted to come and drink, or needed a place to stay, or a ride somewhere. All I could ever think was, "Gosh we pay for a lot of beer, why do they need to stay with us, isn't there somewhere else they can go, what are we going to get out of it, are they going to pay for our gas, and so on!" Rob would always get so upset and try and explain to me, that you just do stuff because they are your friends. I couldn't comprehend this idea. The whole time his friend stayed with us my mom was in my ear asking what he would do for us, and wasn't it annoying having someone always in our house. I agreed with her because i didn't know better. We kicked his friend out, and later Rob told me he was sleeping in his car. All the sudden I thought to myself, wow, what was so wrong with helping this kid out. I realized, that there is nothing wrong with having friends over all the time. So what if they come over often. If I relax a little, its actually quite fun. '

So started my journey to make new friends. I made up with Steph and I even apologized to my cousins friend whom I was mean to just for the sake of meanness and all the sudden, I HAD FRIENDS. Last night me and 4 girls went out. We went to a club, and guess what WE ALL GOT ALONG. No one was talking shit. No one was hating someone else. No one was pouting because another girl had been invited. It was just good ole fashion fun. I started to look at my parents and realize that they have created such a lonely life for themselves by alienating everyone around them. In fact, I realized that the best thing that a friend can do back for me, is just be there. Their company is the best gift they can give me.

I bet, when Steph first came over she could tell, I was a little standoffish. Or when my friend Alli moved back into town she could see that I wasn't used to having people over just to hang out. But now, I'm excited about it. I just went out with all my friends and I'm already sitting here wondering when someone is going to come over and keep me company.

Now, that I'm learning the importance of having friends I regret all the time I wasted hating so many people or pushing them away. I've noticed that when I come to work and maybe I have a headache or I'm just having an off day, the first thing my mom does is ask if there is a problem with Rob and I. Its like she can't conceive a life where things are just okay and normal. When I told her I was hanging out with Stephanie she asked why. She didn't understand why I would waste my time with some one who I had hated for so long. But the way I looked at it, the time wasted was really the time spent hating her.

I do choose my friends more careful now, because now I see that I want to make life long friends. Not just friends to pass the time until I find a reason to hate them, or I find all of the things wrong with them. I want those good friends. The ones that years from now we will sit there looking back and remembering the good times.

Realizing this whole thing, I am making an extra effort to see the good things in people. I want to make every effort to see the positive in each day. To try and find a silver lining. Because the last thing I want to do is watch my son turn into me. I don't want to see him wasting his time, judging people and forcing them away because he always expected something in return. Rather, I would like to encourage him to be like my husband, I want my son to have to by his shoes one size bigger because he has so many friends hiding in his toes, and behind his ears and in his pockets. I want him to always be able to pick up the phone and have friend. Always have someone to come by for a drink (of kool-aid) or a game of monopoly. I want him to always have someone to call if he just needs to talk. Someone to trust. But not only that, I want him to have people to call on him. I want him to be the kind of friend who is needed. Not like me. I was the friend you didn't call, because you knew, I wasn't going to be there for you, unless I got something in return.

I am so excited to be talking to Steph now, and talking to Jen and making friends with Angel whom I hated for a reason I can't remember. I'm finally starting to understand what it feels like to have a full life. A life that you wake up every morning and say, hey you know what, this isn't half bad.


** Disclaimer: Steph and other friends, this doesn't mean that you can't still spoil me with chocolates and salty treats as a reward for answering my phone and calling back. I may be working on a lot of things, but phone answering is not on the top of my list!

** Double disclaimer: I'm not sure if this post actually made much sense, I'm writing it outside freezing my ass off with snot dripping down my nose and freezing to my face as I watch my child dig up mud and fling it at himself and the ditty (kitty)! Yay for frozen face snot.

Is this weird?

So, my aunt is in town from Vegas. She is my dads sister. Both my dad and my grandma are dead. My aunt, actually my whole family has always believed in spirits and ghosts and stuff. I've always thought my whole family was nutty. Starting from when Brandon was almost first born I was convinced my son sees dead people. Both my husband and I experienced this. We would be in his bedroom changing his diaper and all the sudden he would look right past us at the door and just start staring and then smile. Rob and I always joked that our son sees dead people. So last night my aunt and I were sitting around talking. She was telling me how she was going to this new church with spirit leaders. They encourage you to speak to the universe and ask for the things you want. But they also communicate with spirits. So my aunt says that my grams contacts her a lot. I was laughing about all this and thinking it sounded kinda hokey. Then this morning, I took Brandon in to get him dressed. He was standing on his changing table and he looked right over my shoulder at the closet and started waving crazily and got the hugest smile on his face. Then he followed the wall over to his left and I shit you not he leaned over and kissed the air twice. I just stared at my son. What on earth was that? It was as though my grandma or my dad or someone was in the room with him. The weirdest thing was for him to get so happy to see them, must mean he sees them often and likes them. I was flabergasted.

Could it be true that babies have a sixth sense? Is it just something we are trained to lose as we get older, along with Santa and the Easter Bunny? I've decided that even if it is hokey, I'm going to take some comfort in knowing my grams was there with me this morning. Hopefully she sticks around a while. I miss her greatly.

The weigh in

Soooo. This time I didn't lose any but I DIDN'T GAIN ANY EITHER!!! I'm not even frustrated. I'm proud that even though I ate some bad stuff, I still did good enough to maintain my weight loss. Thats all that matters. Tune in, in 15 days to see if I lose any more weight.

Oh shit

I can't think of anything else to say but OH SHIT!

Sigh! Boys!

PHATSO PHOTOS WEEK 3

LAST WEEK

THIS WEEK

HERE I AM THIS WEEK, I MOVED ROOMS, MAYBE THE DIFFERENT WALL COLOR WILL MAKE ME LOOK THINNER! PRETTY SURE THIS WEEK I WONT SEE MUCH CHANGE ON THE SCALE, SINCE I KEPT FINDING MY WAY TO TACO BELL, BURGER KING, FRENCH FRIES AND EVEN SPAGHETTI. IT WILL BE A MIRACLE IF I DON'T END UP BACK WHERE I STARTED.
*Yes I know, same jeans both weeks, but I'm not feelin like buying new clothes till I lose and keep a lot more weight off. Sooo, these are my smallest jeans right now, so they get worn the most often. So, unless your buying me new jeans, don't laugh at me for wearing the same ones all the time. Got It!

No real point, just a memory

I was giving Brandon a bath today and all the sudden he got this funny look on his face like he was about to take a dump in the tub. Up to now we have been very lucky not to encounter any floating logs or COWS as Jenny McCarthy's son put it. Luckily there was no poopoo but it reminded me of Brandon's first or second bath. We had just finished and pulled him out. We wrapped him up in his little towel that used to wrap around him 43 times and now, barely wraps around once and leaves his little feet dangling out. Anyway I got him all swaddled in his little hoodie towel when SPLOOOSH SPWIKWAT BOOOOOM. I look down and his little cream colored towel was MUSTARD YELLOW! Rob and I just looked at each other. We didn't know what to do. We were novices at this parenting thing. What do we do? Do we re-bathe him, or baby wipe him or...stand there and look like dumb asses? We chose to stand there looking like idiots and then we wiped him down with the towel and then baby wiped him. The whole situation was pretty funny. It was like he purposely held it all in just to mess with us. It was as if he was letting us know from that point on that he was running the show. Ahhh my little boy.

Right now, he is sitting her taking a bite out of a Cheeto and then giving me the other half. It is so cute.

A must read

I stumbled across this blog New Years Day. I found it on Amalahs website. You must read this. With about 34 boxes of tissue. There is an order in which to read and follow this story as not to ruin the surprise. Emery, if you haven't read this yet, you must, because I think you will fall in love with Karla like me.

Start here, http://babycadeau.blogspot.com/

Then, watch this

I will wait while you get the tissues.

Read that post. After you have read that and watched, Click here this will take you to the beginning of the archives in Karlas new blog. You have to read it from start to finish to appreciate the beauty of it all. It is, the most amazing thing I've ever read. I've never found a couple more strong and courageous as these two. They showed me more about who I am inside and who I hope to be, then I could ever imagine. Read it. I read the entire thing in one day and haven't been able to stop since. This is the most inspiring story ever. And it does have a happy ending, so keep that in mind while you are cursing me through blinding tears OKAY!

Now, go read it. Right away.

3:40AM

I don't like 3:40 AM. I hate seeing this time on the clock. I don't understand why my son has decided to start waking up this early but my eyes and my head aren't very impressed. How on earth do I get this kid to go back to sleeping until 430 or 5:00 AM?

Ouch

At what point will I learn that no matter how good it feels to shove a Qtip allllll the way down in my ear and swirl it around to itch in there, that the next day my ears are going to hurt really really bad? I mean really, I do this shit at least once a week. And then, when they hurt I keep sticking my fingers in them and wiggling them around and guess what?
THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM FEEL ANY BETTER. Someone needs to confiscate my Qtip supply. Although, that wouldn't really help because I also love sticking paper clips in my ears. And, you can't hide all the paper clips in the world.

Brandon

My next letter to my son will go something like this.

Dear Brandon,
I realize that some day, with all the advances in education you will probably be smarter then me. But, really son, right now, while you are a little baby, can you at least let mom think she is smarter then you. You don't have to show me all the time that you can outsmart me. I know that you can reach the counter, you don't have to pull out the drawers and climb them to show me. You don't have to run to daddy when mom says no, to show me that you can have anything you want. You don't have to remove your DVD, put it back in, push power, push play and start your movie over just to show me that you can do it. You don't have to plug and unplug my computer 43 times a day, I know how to do it just fine. It really is okay for my keyboard at work to stay plugged in. I know you like to show me that you can unplug it but really, I remember that from the last 33 times you did it. Also I am very proud that you can open doors now, but you don't have to show me that while I'm butt naked in the dressing room, I don't think the people at Old Navy wanted to see my jigglies 4 times in one day. I get that you can maneuver out of anything, but JUST ONCE, can you please please, stay seated in the shopping cart? Although using the self check thingy at the grocery store has proved quite challenging for me, I don't need you to jump into the cart and start launching yogurt and soup at me and the scanner to show us you know how to do it. I am proud that you can push stuff around and use it as a stool but please please stop pushing your stool next to my desk so you can climb up and take my pens, they are very happy in their pen holder. I am very glad you know how to feed yourself, but mom is very capable of feeding herself and I really don't need help shoving macaronis and cheetos in my mouth. Also I know how to drink from a cup so please stop shoving your sippy straw cup in my mouth, it makes me feel like I'm messy. I realize I spill most stuff on me, but I don't need you to point that out by offering your straw to me. I am very proud that you know how to open drawers, even the child proof ones. You don't have to remind me you know how to do this by getting in the drawer and getting out the bag of very very expensive dog treats and feeding the whole bag to the dogs while no one is looking. I also know you can open cabinet doors very well so you can stop hiding your milk in my pots and pans to remind me that you know how to do that. I am very proud that you know to put the toilet paper in the toilet but you don't have to illustrate this point by putting the entire roll in there and then smooshing it down with the plunger. I know that you can get your own milk from the fridge, and get your own cheetos, and you can do everything on your own, but maybe sometimes you can let mom do some stuff for you so she still feels a little needed. In fact, I would be perfectly fine if you would please put on your footie pajamas, and come fall asleep on my chest so I can pretend just for a day that you are still my little baby and not my big boy.

Love mom.