Little big man 09.27.06

This is my little big man. I took this picture because he looked so grown up in it. I can't belive it. Its funny how clothes make the man. If I put him in feet pajamas he almost looks like a little guy again. A couple nights ago I was putting away all of his old clothes and I found the outfit he wore in the hospital. It was so little I think I actually got a little misty eyed for a second. My little guy is so big now. Sniff sniff. I am going to frame it. Maybe I should only let him wear feet pajamas from now on so I still think he is little.

BEAR SLIPPERS 09.27.06

HE HE I got Brandon these little slippers at Old Navy. I absolutly love them. I think when he puts them on he knows how cute he is. What do you think?

Fun Quest 09.27.06

Okay So I know that my recent posts have been pretty dismal. Sorry time for some cheer up time. I took my son to Baby land inside of FunQuest which is inside of what used to be the Reno Hilton. I think now it is some uber resort called The Grand Summit Resort. Anyway this was the best idea I've ever had. It only cost five dollars and it was hours of fun. My cousin and I took our kids. Let me tell you a little bit about this monster. It starts on the floor and goes up about three flights. To get up you climb through tubes or up foam stairs. This leads into the big ball pit. Brandon hated the big ball kit but was delighted by the baby one that came later. With each level you go up you encounter such things as a rope bridge or a tunnel or some sort of obstical. Brandon had such a great time. Unfortunatly my cousin and I are a lot older and we had bruised knees the next day. When you make it to the top of this monster place their is a giant learning room with a child car wash that they tumble through and have a great time. Then you get to the bounce house and I think Brandon bounced himself silly. At one point he bounced right into his cousin. FInally if you are lucky enough to find the secret hidden giant whirly slide that leads to the bottem then you can come out. We had to ask some one how to get out. Brandon was sad though and tried to climb back up. After this room there was a little gym with small slides and the baby ball pit. However there was one thing there that caught Brandon's eye and I couldn't drag him away. That is right. The drinking fountain. Holy cow was this kid happy. He followed every little kid that went there just trying to get a chance to play with the magic fountain water. Finally the night had to come to an end. We went to Round table for some pizza and then right across the hall from there was an ice cream shop. Do you think we stopped? Anyway for only $5.00 I say this was good family fun and totally worth every second of it. It was also an amazing work out for mom. I can't wait to go back.

Hey by the way

By the way. Am I talking to myself here. Does anyone even read these. Toss me a reply so I know I"m not still talking to myself. Thanks.

Deep thought 09.26.06

If you read these you probably know that I actually publish on blogger.com, myspace.com and yahoo360. Its all the same blog but I have a few buddies on each sight. I recently began reading the blog of an old friend. When I say old I mean we go back to Brownies in Elementary school together. If I think real hard I think her mom may have even been the troop mom until Gingers mom started doing it. We went on to go to high school and cheer on the squad together all the while never really speaking to each other. I looked at her as someone who seemed so stuck up and who never gave me the time of day. All the while I was desperatly wishing I could have been in her group of friends. I think she probably looked at me like I was a total ass and a huge bitch. I could go on with the names I was called in high school. Hows that saying go sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? WRONG. I remember the words every day of my life. One that sticks out the most was a time a girl in high school the last weeks of school said "You know Shannon I wish I would have given you a chance before because you are really a nice NORMAL person." Hmm I thought to myself. If they didnt consider me normal what did they consider me. Anyway back to my friend. I've been reading her blog lately. Her name is Emery. I hope she doesn't mind but her blog can be found here. http://emeryjo.blogspot.com/. I think everyone should read it. It is the most amazing and clarifying thing I've ever read. I don't know why but it is. Now as I read her things I sit here saying wow I wish I would have made an effort to let her see who I really was so maybe I could have made a change in my life so long ago and become her friend. However had I done that I probably wouldn't have the husband I do and that would mean I wouldnt have had the soul meaning of my life...my son Brandon. So many of you are probably wondering "its been 6 years, why is she holding on to things from high school?" I'm not. Actually I was going along really good. Until I received a lovely little myspace message that went like this.."You were such a bitch to me and my brother I am glad to see your well- Happiness is all that matters I hope you grew outa being Shannon keefier that thought she was hot shit- Beautiful babys- have a nice life!" WHAT. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM? I was shocked. To tell you the truth I was shocked silent for a moment. I could not believe this person who I will let remain annonomys (no I don't feel like spell checking) would write me this. What must be going on in her life to hold on to something like that for so long and then seek me out just to tell me this. My first thought was to respond like HOT SHIT Shannon and tell her that I see she has done real good in life being a skank (as her pictures show) however I removed my fingers from my keyboard and I thought "what would Emery do?" Now if you even kind of know me you know I don't generaly believe in God. I want to but I've been so lost and mixed up in my life its so hard to clarify all of that now. So instead I find a little bit of good in everyone and I create my own savoir (again with the spelling.) So I realized she would simply respond nicely and honostly. I responded to this girl that it wasn't polite to judge when she knew nothing about me and the things I have encountered in my life. She knew none of the reasons I am who I am. I apologized for what ever she was upset for and said that Each of us needs to withdrawl from the cares which will not withdrawl from us. I'm paraphrasing here, my response was much longer and much nicer but you get the point. I think Emery would be proud of me. So now you may ask why do I care so much what this person I barely know thinks of me? I guess sometimes its easier in life to confide in those who are not in your face every day because you get an outside opinion and you are not judged and you don't have to see the look of disgust on their face when you mess up. Maybe someday I will write a blog about all the reasons I am who I am. If I did it could probably be published into a book and I would venture that it would become a New York Times best seller and everyone would think it was so witty and funny and fiction. Maybe that is what I will start working on now. The problem with coming clean about your life is that most of the people in your life cannot accept truth. When confronted with the reasons I am who I am the people involved in the story would simply get upset and defensive and tell me I have it all wrong. So maybe I'll hold onto it a little longer. I simply don't have the strength to hear that I have it all wrong like I've heard so many times in my life. So anyway Emery if you are out there reading this (no one reads these but me really) Thank you. Thank you for letting me see its okay to question my life, and the roads and paths I've chosen. IT is okay to wake up and wonder is this the life I would have chosen for myself? Its okay to wish that my job was different and that I was following my heart and becoming a chef. Its okay to wish that I had the courage to pick up and move somewhere that had a culenary school that I could attend. Okay wait let me be real. I wouldn't move out of state because I wouldn't move my son from my parents but I still would love to attend an acutal cooking school and open a restraunt. Okay well I'm done for the day. I need to sit here and reflect on everything I wrote and figure out if it even make sense. To the person who felt like they needed to send me that lovely Myspace. I hope you find your Emery and you find your clarity and you finally learn to let go of those things that bother you.

Snuggle Bear 09.21.06

Most mornings now when we walk out to my car my son immediatly tries to get in his wagon. This is extra cute because his wagon has a little door that he can open and climb in and close it behind him then he sits in his little seat like lets go mom. So most mornings we end up going on a little stroll around the neighborhood while he gleefuly rides along in his trusty plastic wagon. Yesterday morning was interesting though because I swear everyone must have been doing laundry at the same moment because my neighborhood smelled of dryer sheets. As I walked along inhaling the slightly sweet slightly suffocating smell I began to imagine that there must be tons of those little snuggle bears running around my neigborhood hiding in yards or under cars. This made me giggle. Maybe they knew that it was a chilly morning and we needed something to help us warm up. Maybe there were just there for my sons enjoyment and he could see them all along. Either way I was pleased with myself that I even took the time to notice the smell and more pleased that I took the time to enjoy it.

Pardon me for previous post 08.23.06

Okay I have settled down a little bit and thought about everything I said before. That blog made me sound like I just had diarhia (don't know how to spell that) of the mouth. So I will start over. I think that for the most part at some point in nearly everyones life they say "I am going to do things different then my parents." That being said I don't understand why your parents then seem so flumoxed when you do things different then they did. Okay time to open up some. I'm sure I would get in big trouble for the remainder of this blog but who cares. My mom never hit me when I grew up. Her dad hit her a lot and hard so she chose to not ever hit me. However, she yelled. I think I got yelled at everyday. I was so affraid of my mom. In fact I'm still terrified of her. I wanted to buy a new car and I was affraid to tell my mom. Because of this I feel like there are a lot of things I never told her that I should have but I was to affraid of being screamed at over it. One big major thing that comes to mind is the first time I was rear ended I never said anything because in my mind I figured she would say it was my fault. As you have read before I had my son I had no idea what kind of parent I would be. Sure it was easy to talk and to judge but really I had no clue. The day I had my baby..no wait, the second I had him I knew. I knew I never wanted to do this kid wrong. Brandon is my life. He is my whole heart and soul and body and world and universe. Why would a person ever hurt their universe. So this brings me to my previous blogs. I don't want to yell at my son. But what that brings with it is that I don't want other people yelling at him either. He is not theirs he is mine. He is my little baby to make decisions about. I don't want to say I had a bad childhood because I didn't by any means. I just don't want my son to ever be affraid to come to me. I want him to always look at me and say that person never hurt me and I can always trust her. And he always can. I will always be on his side. I am his mom. If no one else in this world can do right by that little boy I can. When everyone else hurts him and I"m not stupid I know he will get hurt but that doens't mean it has to be by me. The same goes for doing drungs. When I was growing up it seemed everyone around me was involved in drugs. So I took it to mean drugs were okay. I did a lot of drugs growing up. 90% of them I have still yet to fess up to but I did them. The day I had my son I said wait, I don't ever want my son to think its okay because I do it. I don't want him to have to hear someday that I let him get hurt because I was drunk or high or something. Let me also say I'm not a drug addict or alcoholic but I do enjoy the occasion after work drink or weekend drink. Today I made a comment that I didn't understand how a friend of mine could allow her boyfriend to keep drugs and paraphnalia in the house while her baby was there. I was tongue lashed for this. I was told that I shouldn't expect people to change just because they have a baby and I need to knock it off with all my stupid rules and thinking I'm better then everyone else. I don't get it. When did caring about your child become a bad thing? When did actually wanting to parent your child with love and respect become culterly unacceptable? I only hope that I can stand my ground and raise my son to be a wonderful, respectful, loving little boy. This picture is of his first birthday and you can't tell but his shirt says Love Me Forever. That is just what I intend to do.

Wondering 08.23.06

I look at this picture of my sweet loving inocent trusting son and it makes me wonder. Why are there so few parents anymore that consider raising your kids in a calm, drug and alcohol free home to be such a bad idea. I feel like everywhere I look now I see babies being shouted at or even hit. I see parents drunk out of their minds or hopped up on drugs. The worst part is that I"m made to feel bad because I'm "A PANSEY WUSSY MOM." WAIT what I'm bad because I want to raise my son safely and respectfuly. Babies don't understand being yelled at. They don't understand being hit. All they see is that the person they love most in the world just hurt them. Maybe yelling isn't physically hurting them but I know mentally it hurts them just as bad. So I'm just not comprehending why it is people want to put me down because I don't aprrove of screaming at my son. And because I quit drinking to better his life. And because I don't understand how a mom could still get high with her little baby right there. I look at the picture of my son above and all I think is how can I not give that sweet little boy every chance in the world and love him with every drop of my soul. I'm sorry but if I'm a bad mom for doing whats right for my son then I must be the worst mom in the world.

A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER? 08.01.06

Today is my sons birthday. He is one. The weeks leading up to this day have been hard for me. I've started thinking about making changes in my life. Maybe it is the realization that time is precious and has flown by so quickly. Maybe it is that not only is my son growing but I am growing also. The first decision I made was that I wanted to give up alcohol. The thing that most of you don't know about me is I have an extremely addictive personality and I have many vices. Alcohol is one of them. When I have a bad day at work I like to come home and have a drink or two. When I go out with friends I like to have a drink or three. I am not by any means an alcoholic I would say that I am more of a social drinker. One day I was realizing that I looked at other moms who did such things as do drugs or smoke as bad mothers. I thought that what I was doing was somehow better. I made the decision that until Brandon is old enough to understand the responsabilty of drinking (approximatly 15 or 16) that I am giving up drinking. I don't want to be that mom who says its okay for me but not for you. How am I supposed to explain to a young child who is being influanced by his friends not to drink alcohol while I do it myself. The second decision I've made is to try and eat healthier. How am I supposed to tell Brandon that McDonalds is only a treat when I'm running out and getting fast food every day. I've discussed it with my husband and all though he is more reluctant then me I've made the decision to try and cook more fresh meals. This is a little easier for me since I can not eat wheat or gluten. I am not going to say I am giving up fast food completly because I am addicted to Burger Kings salad and McDonalds salads also. So my decision is that I will give up french fries (since that is all I can eat besides salad) along with ice cream. If you know me you know I am also addicted to McFlurrys. So I've decided that I need to give them up. This way when my son is older it will also be a treat for me as well as him and we can be on the same page. I don't want this to be taken at all as an attempt for me to lose weight. Although I could use a few pounds I would much rather be healthy and be respected by my son for following the same directions I give him. So if you have read my previous blog you also know that I have decided to try and speak to my son in a better tone rather then yelling. So these are the changes I am making. I am considering giving up chocolate but I might go off the deep end if I do that. I've been watching this show on TV called weighing in. One of the things they say about sticking to a diet is to tell people what you are doing. So although I am not dieting I figure why not try the same technique. I am telling you all what I'm up to. Feel free to call me out if you see me cheating or even thinking of cheating.

A BETTER MOM 07.31.06

So recently I started thinking maybe I need to do some things to better myself. So I've made two very big decisions. First I have decided not to drink anymore. AT ALL. Ya I know if you know me you are thinking ya right but this is something I have to do for myself and my son. I realize that even though I only have 3 or 4 drinks it is still terribly irresponsible for me to drive home. And if I drink at home and something happened to my son I could not responsibly drive him to the hospital. Maybe I am being silly but I feel like I have to change so much to better his life and his future and make sure I am around to be a part of his future. The second thing is that I want to stop yelling at him. I shout NO when he does something bad and I am thinking now that maybe I should try and talk more calmly to him. Don't take this the wrong way I don't scream at my baby at all but I do shout No when he is throwing soda cans all over the office. I just feel that there must be a more constructive way to speak to him when he is behaving badly. If you have any suggestions on constructive disapline please let me know. I'm just trying to be the best mom I can.