me

My pants are always frayed at the end, possibly because I'm too short. I like them like that, it feels like me, a little frayed at the ends. I can't chew minty gum. I like fruity stuff. Mint brings me down. There is never enough basil on things. I always feel stupid asking for more basil. My shoes are never organized. My side of the room is always a mess. I am a mess. My extended family makes me feel like I'm drowning. My kids are the single most amazing thing I've ever done. I wish I would have attended culinary school. I want to taste everything on the 1001 foods you need to try before you die list. I probably would never taste them because they are scary looking.

I don't fuss with my hair. I don't wear makeup. I'm the most high maintenance plain person you will ever meet. I drink coffee for the taste not the flavor. I love soup. I don't eat soup enough. I could waste a whole paycheck on Itunes. My Ipod is dying and I feel like a little piece of me is too.

There is never enough coffee. Or enough hot water. But always plenty of dishes. And crumbs on the floor. I wish my kids could wear footie jammies always. I can't imagine that some day they will grow up and move out. I wish they called me mommy and not mom. Mom sounds so grown up. I would love to cook like the people on Top Chef. I want to be a judge on Iron Chef. Not on a day they serve fish though, I don't think I would like trout ice cream.

I get excited over little things. Most recently I was thrilled over a new Maxi Pad. My littlest keeps calling the operator. I need to take a shower but my husband is sleeping. We are taking family pictures today. I wonder if we can photoshop out my donut waist. Lets photoshop out my sons lack of haircut too.

I'm tired. Very tired.

Nothing

It is coming on fast this time. I can feel it. I suppose it is a positive thing that I know when my dark times come. I can give people warning. Although, I imagine if they look hard enough it is easy to see it coming. I told Rob to be on the look out and he is. He's kind of treating me like a fragile package which is smart for him because right now I'm mostly like a time bomb. You never know if I will react by screaming in your face or simply breaking down into tears. Although thinking about it, I'm not sure he really needed me to tell him. I think the other day when I looked over at him for no reason and said, "it would feel so good to punch you in the teeth right now," with a dead serious smile on my face, he knew...in fact that might have been a dead give away huh?

I called my pediatrician yesterday just to verify that I really really can't take anything. I asked about Ativan, Prozac and Zoloft. She said they were all classified as, "not enough testing done, could cause long term negative effects," meaning she absolutely could not advise me to take anything. Her advice was to stop nursing. Which, awesome, yes let me stop eating my child who has a food aversion and refuses to eat anything but boobs.

I am happy though that the people in my life have finally stopped trying to offer me suggestions. I've been dealing with this for at least 15 years and personally I think I do a pretty great job of handling it with out medicine. I've tried everything and, for the most part I know what works. Honestly, when people make suggestions to me it makes me sad, it simply makes me feel as though they think something is wrong with me. I function fine, I go to work, I shower, cook and clean and act human, and yet they feel so bothered by me they have to tell me how I should change. I think it would simply be easier to allow me to work it out the best way I know how and just be there to listen. I guess, I tell you this now, so that if you have someone like me in your life it can serve as a warning, stop trying to tell them how to be different. You may think you are offering helpful advice but honestly to them, you might as well be screaming YOUR DOING IT WRONG PLEASE CHANGE WHO YOU ARE TO SUIT MY NEEDS. Just because you may be uncomfortable around a person like me doesn't mean you need to tell me how to be different, either leave, or learn to deal with it. I'm not harming anyone so why on earth would you waste so much energy telling me I'm not handling my life right? It is a relief to have the people I have in my life. They simply act like a friend, listen and let me work it out myself.

I love when people ask me about it though. When they try and learn how I work instead of just sit back and judge. Katie spent a good 20 minutes on the phone asking me about stuff today. About my insomnia and my photographic memory that never stops. I was telling her about my mind. How the memories never shut off. I spend my day clicking through images. Remember those old school toys with the slide things you put in them, and then you would click through and see different pictures. That is exactly how my head is, only someone else is in charge of the clicking not me.

Viewmaster childs toy = my head

The worst part is, they aren't even always worth while memories. For example, at least once a week I find myself remembering the time my friend Sandy's mom asked her to make toast. So I went with her and watched as she slathered bread with margarine and then shoved it in the toaster. Butter was dripping out all over the counter and I was massively grossed out. This is a pointless memory yet I have to re-live it weekly. This is part of why I never sleep. The sleeping pills never did anything to shut down my mind. Can you imagine trying to sleep while your brain is busy replaying images of the time you went to Taco Bell and ate a taco, no not that time, the other time. Or how about trying to sleep when your mind won't quit playing the time that guy brought you chicken noodle soup because you were sick, but you didn't eat meat, but you didn't want to make him feel bad so you ate the fucking soup anyway just to be nice. Yes. It is hard living in my head. The memories, the slide shows, they never stop and they span back to when I was about 3. Maybe earlier, because the memory that plays the most often of all is when my dog got stolen when I was very very little. Followed by the stupid memory of this sticker my dad had that said Phishlips. On my fucking deathbed I'll still see that goddamn sticker in my head.

I hate the feeling of wait though. I hate knowing it is coming and having to just sit here and wait. It's mostly here but the worst is yet to come. I never really talk about that time. That is when people really start worrying or feeling sorry for me. I know I'm thankful I found the man I did. He's a special kind of person for dealing with this crazy. I'm trying to be more aware this time. More aware with the kids. If I sense myself getting angry or moody I've started letting Rob handle bed time for Brandon or having him hang out with him. It is easier then blowing up over nothing, yelling and then feeling worse then I already do because I'm a terrible mom who yells. It works well and I'm able to make sure every second I spend with my kids is happy and fun and relaxing.

I guess that is why I finally decided to entertain the idea of medicine. While I know I'll still always have these periods, I also know the meds will help enough that I won't have to walk on egg shells around my kids and family. I can't wait to not be the mom who yells. I'm hopeful at the prospect that my kids will always remember a smiling dorky mom who just loved to play and hang out with them. I'm hopeful they will remember only fun story times at night, and games of tag, and cooking in the kitchen and never ever remember me having a full fledged melt down because the toothpaste fell off the toothbrush or because their hair wouldn't comb just right.

Anyway, you are warned, I have no idea how my future posts will be. I'll try to keep it light and fun, but there are no promises. At least now you know.

Finishing up Brandons room

We made some more progress in Brandons room. His letters are hung on the wall (I still want to paint them but it is too cold outside for me right now)

Rob got his antique fishing rod hung up this weekend
And look!!! Brandon already caught a big one!
WE pulled the hook out of the lure and nailed it in the wall so he thinks he caught a fish.
Brandon thinks he is pretty cool with his very own fish on the wall!

Tree

I was reading Brittany the other day when she showed us her Christmas tree. Like me she has young kids at her house so she wanted a safe tree. She found a bag of those ball pit balls at the thrift store, poked holes in them, stuck some string in and hung them on the tree. I thought it was genius, only I couldn't afford to go buy balls. So I roamed my house picking up loose baby toys. I started tying strings to them and putting them on the tree.

At first I wasn't sure how it would look, but the more little toys I found the more fun I had. I pulled out some of Brandons wood puzzles and tied strings around the pieces of those and the animals looked so cute on there (You can see a giraffe puzzle piece and an elephant in the above picture). Slowly I started getting more crafty. I tied ribbon around Brandon's favorite cookie cutters, and stuck some of the big soft balls in there.

I even tossed in a Halloween pumpkin. There is also some Spongebob fishing bobbers. I hung up what non breakable decorations I had and called it done. I am totally thrilled with it. This is my favorite tree and best of all it is SAFE! Can you believe not even an hour later a friend emailed me about he daughter having to get stitches in her foot that weekend from stepping on an ornament that had fallen off the tree. Right then I knew I made a good choice.

Thanks so much for the genius idea Brit! I think I'll keep this up for at least 3 more years!

Answering your questions

An anonymous commenter posted on my no peanut post with a question,

My daughter, who is one of the pickiest eaters is going into preschool in January. This whole time, I have been planning the majority of her lunches to be pb&j since that's one of the few cold lunches she will eat. After reading your blog, now I'm at a total loss of what to feed her. She hates meat, the only meat she will eat is bacon, chicken nuggets and fish sticks. Her school only allows cold lunches... so do you have any suggestions? I hate the idea of her causing another kid harm with pb, but now I don't know what to feed her.... what food to you pack in your son's lunch? TIA for your help!

I thought I would post my reply. Also if there is anything I left out please feel free to leave her more thoughts in the comment section. Please excuse my errors this is from my phone.

misguided mommy said... hey anon. I'm writing from my phone so please excuse the spelling errors. First keep in mind cold lunch doesn't mean the food has to be cold it simply means they won't heat it. I have a great very cute crayola thermos I got at target for brandon. I heat sgetti,macaroni, and soup before school and it is still warm for brandon lunch. Guess what I bey chicken nuggets would also stay warm. Other kid friendly items, gogurt dry cereal, cheese sammiches (brandon also hates meat), fruit like melon or grapes. One kid in brandon class last week had lunchables. I have done spagettios and even dry feral with a cup of milk for the teacherS to add to the bowl ( think g dry cereal in a bowl with a snack lid and then either a small carton of milk or a large enough sippy cup full that they can just poor some out). Poptarts don't have nuts. Cheetos and fruit roll ups are safe too. Mini eggos warmed in the thermos with a snack cup of syrup to dip in. Even oatmeal and cream of wheat. Cora soup or alphabet soup. Anything she can/will eat in a thermos. Quessidillas even. Most chips. Pudding jello and yogurt. Chunks of cheese. Remember it is more important to pack food your kid will eat then worry how it looks. I was terrified the first time I sent brandon with a bread and cheese sandwich, cheetos, watermelon a d chocolate milk. His teacher was more impressed I packed what he would eat. Other ideas to help her eat. I used to cut brandons cheese sammy with cookie cutters. I also let him help pack it and finally I drew cute little things on his napkin. Last. You can always to cream cheese and jelly sandwiches instead of pb annnnnnnnd finally nearly every store even walmart sells soynut butter that is peanut free, she will never know.

Photobooth you scare me

And it's gone

My hair has been giving me a headache for a while now. It was so long, beautifully long, but at the same time, it was too long. I don't have time to do my hair anymore. It's not like when I was young and I could spend an hour fucking with it, no, now I spend 43 seconds brushing it and I'm out. My solution lately has been to pull my hair up. This has been causing massive headaches and, honestly it just looked like shit that way and sloppy. Finally, I decided it was time to cut the shit off.

I thought about doing a poll on here but I knew if you guys said don't cut it, I wouldn't because I was always looking for a reason not to. So, I very quietly made an appointment and just did it. I have two ponytail holders full of hair that I will be mailing off to the Pantene Beautiful Lengths program. My hair was long enough, thick enough and it hadn't been died so we made sure to cut off enough to send. I haven't styled it yet, I told her I was going home to shower so not to bother with styling. This is how it looked after simply drying on its own. I go back in five weeks after fucking with it some to get some layers and what not. She wanted to wait to do layers until I had played with it enough to know what I wanted, how I liked parting it and so on.

With out further ado, my new hair.

How it looks after a shower (it flips out or in, this is out)


Also, I'm very tired, and pale and I kinda look like crap today, so you know, try not to comment on the whole you look like a worn out mom thing KTHX!

No planters for us

Today we went in for the follow up on Brandon's first allergy test. There was good news, bad news and, new news. The good news is they believe his original positive reaction to egg was either a false positive or he has grown out of it because today he had zero reaction. The reason I am so happy about this is that he was able to finally receive a flu shot (he could not before because part of the flu vaccine's binding solution contains egg). He also tested negative for strawberries and shell fish.

I told them of a time when he went to someones house with a large number of cats he came home wheezing and puffing around the eyes. I said I wasn't sure if it was cats, or if it was possible since the house was atrociously dirty he had encountered dried up peanut butter somewhere. They said both were a possibility and tested him. Sure enough, like his dad he has developed an allergy to cats.

I also advised the doctor about a time at a pumpkin patch, when he road donkeys he came home with breathing trouble, hives and swollen lips. Turns out he is allergic to horses, donkeys, goats, and other farm animals with similar hair. Guess I have to take back the pony I bought him for Christmas huh!

Finally they retested him for peanut. She poked him and walked away. He immediately went to itch. I of course had to hold his hands and refuse to let him itch because it could spread it, and alter other test areas. The next thing I know he was crying and screaming and writhing in pain. They made it stay on for 18 minutes. Here is how it looked after only 1 minute.

After they came in, they handed me a tissue and told me to gently wipe his back to relieve him. Instantly the small amount of whatever peanut trace could have been left behind caused the 8 other negative reactions to turn positive. The doctors were baffled by it. They said it was the most severe reaction they had seen. I have tons of restrictions for him now. He told me that grandparents are the number one cause of kids with allergies having reaction, after that was other peoples grandparents, church functions and then daycare. At daycare he said the biggest cause was children who had a peanut type breakfast, aka a granola bar and then coming to school and touching your child. The doctor said that while parents of course know the school is a peanut free zone, they often never consider what their kids ingest before coming to school, and most often they don't wash their hands first.

I recently interviewed a preschool and was appalled when they told me that they allow peanuts. The director said their solution was simply to place a child with a peanut allergy at a separate table. Can you even begin to imagine the danger that poses. Kids get peanut butter in their hair, on their clothes, on their hands, in their nails. In fact, one child bit Brandon today. Can you only imagine if that child had just ingested peanuts and then bit my kid.

I went to the lake recently for a family function where someone was serving sandwiches. There was peanut butter and salami. She said it would be fine if Brandon ate them. She was pretty sure she cut the salami first and then cut the peanut butter. They were on the same plate but different sides so it should probably be okay. I just stared at her stunned she would even suggest it, let alone feed the other three kids there peanut butter, knowing they had been touching Brandon all day.

The handout they gave me stated that 10% of products labeled "processed in a plant with or may contain trace amounts of peanuts" contain peanuts. Then it said 5% of those products contain enough peanut to cause an anaphylactic reaction. That scared the shit out of me. I had to remove probably 85% of the Halloween candy this year because it contained trace amounts or was processed in.

Finally they said that because of his allergies, dads allergies and my moms allergies, Codi has an 80% allergy of developing a sever allergy. The sad thing is they have no way of pinpointing what could cause the allergy. He is banned from all nuts, eggs and fish until after he is three.

Another interesting fact. They told me the large majority of the population is not allergic to strawberries. He said, strawberries contain high amounts of histamine, and when people ingest large quantities they will break out in hives. The doctor said this reaction often leads people to think they are allergic when really it is just a generic response to histamine. Neat fact, since I've actually had that happen to me, and I spent a long time thinking it was a strawberry allergy.

YOU SUCK WILLIAMS SONOMA

I reallllly try to delete all of their emails. But when this shit came through my inbox the other day I knew I was fucked. First, I want to say Brandons favorite food is shredded cheese. He loves the cheese grater but it is a little big for him. That is why when I saw all of Williams Sonoma stupid kid line I freaked out. A whole line of MINIATURE KID THINGS!!!

Like this kid safe mini grater, yeah I need that.
And we really need a mini personalized chef jacket right?

A puzzle food tray, well of course that is a necessary item

And every chef needs a hat to match his jacket

Of course after seeing his trouble with my large whisk the other night we for sure need a kid size whisk.

Don't even get me started on the aprons, and pink princess tools, and measuring cups and oh my lord the madness. Fucking Williams Sonoma. Some day when I'm a billionaire I will have all of this for myself. I mean, err, for my kids.

All by himself

These are Brandon's new fishing lures. They were collected from family. His room has a fishing theme.

This is Mr. Fish. He lives on Brandon's wall. This weekend we are hanging a vintage fishing pole with the line hanging down so it looks like Brandon caught a fish.
Brandon made some brownies last night, mixing with the wisk was kind of hard, eating them was not!
Codi fell down two stairs tonight and is now sporting fat lip and a very bloody nose. He finally fell asleep so Brandon ran over, turned on the record player and said, "mom I make music for Codi" It was so sweet.
He did this all by himself tonight. My mom has been teaching him after school and tonight he came home and did it with no help.