EVERY SINGLE TIME HE SNEEZES

THIS HAPPENS!

In case you thought it couldn't get worse

Last night I made another visit to the house. It got worse. Go see the photos!
http://watchusmove.blogspot.com/

Dear husband

I would be lying if I said there aren't days I'm jealous you get to just go to work with out getting the kids ready. Today is one of those days. Walking into the bathroom to find your almost 3 year old covered in poop from head to toe along with the toilet, and whole roll of toilet paper, well, it makes me jealous of you. Finding the bathroom rug with a big pile of poop on it is far less fun then going to work at 6am. Realizing that your son tripped and fell while climbing to poop and then tried to wipe the poop off with a bran new roll of toilet paper, his shorts, and the toilet seat, makes me think I might even enjoy going to work at 4am. Having to plunge the toilet and then rush your kid to the shower makes me think, I wouldn't even mind working nights. Then, walking out, to find your youngest has now puked everywhere because he was crying so hard from not being held makes me think working int he 100 degree weather would feel a lot like relaxing on the beach. Plunging the toilet again because all the poop and toilet paper still won't flush, then cramming a shit covered rug into my clean washer, makes me wonder why I never got a job like oh, I dunno, being the Queen. Because I'm positive, the Queen of England never never never had to clean shit out from between her 3 year olds toes!

PS Having to pull the baby out of the car seat just to wipe a second helping of puke off him...makes me still jealous!

Come see my move

We are moving. I explain it better here, come over and look at the horrors we found today when we opened the doors to our new home. Welcome to my own personal hell.

http://watchusmove.blogspot.com/

Things I've learned from Craigslist

I'm searching for some new furniture on Craigslist for my big move coming up. Among the things I've been browsing, a new kitchen table with more then 4 chairs, a king bedroom set with an actual headboard and more then one dresser, and a couch and over sized chair with ottoman. NO I don't want to buy ALL of these things, unless each thing is selling for about $100.00. I'm basically looking and which ever one I find first wins. All of my furniture was bought when I was 13-18 years old needless to say the vast majority of it is pretty old, or just not keeping up with my current style. FYI the theme in my house is "nothing matches" so I'm not even being really particular, I just want something newish, comfy, well taken care of, and something that will actually last a while. I've learned a few things while browsing Craigslist.

1. "Comfy" anything is code for, this item is an old ragged piece of shit that is probably sagging in the middle.

2. "Very nice" means, sure, it was very nice, back in 1976!

3. "Antique means" This was probably made in 1980 but if I write "antique" more people will open my link.

4. "Really new", also found in variations of, "like new", "hardly used", and "only sits in guest room", this means it will be outdated, dusty, and funny looking.

5. "modern" means NO ONE is going to buy this and the rest of the world is going to wonder what the fuck you were thinking when you bought that

6. "Great condition" means they are posting a picture of the couch with out the giant rip in it

7. They only have furniture you are not looking for. Seriously I've found 5980836 queen, twin, full size beds and not one fucking king size furniture set.

8. If you happen to be looking for an armoir big enough to hold your TV, just stop your TV is to big. You over there, yours might fit, but, probably not because that would be to fucking easy and make you too happy!

9. If it looks grey, it's really blue. If it looks brown, thats probably dirt. If it looks green, it's probably mold, and no, those are cute little dots, it's probably mouse shit!

10. If they list it as "must sell" thats because NO ONE WANTS TO BUY IT!

Manners, do they even still exist?

This weekend we (my mom, cousin and I) attended a baby shower. The girls mom threw the shower. When we arrived, the mom was not very nice. No greeting, no offering of drinks or snacks, she pretty much ignored us. I thought back to my shower, where the people hosting the party were friendly offering seats, drinks and anything else you wanted. I think it is safe to say we felt totally unwelcome in this house. The girl who is pregnant is carrying the child of my cousin so it's not as if we were strangers, in fact we were the only other family besides the boys mom to show up.

As time progressed we were told to go eat. Then we were rushed through some poorly planned games and still treated pretty poorly. At this point, when I say we, I mean EVERYONE AT THE SHOWER! At one point, the mother of the girl even called her into the kitchen to lecture her on something or other, and I felt like that was a total mood killer. The worst part though was when my mom sat down and the chair cracked. The girls mom came thundering over picked up the chair and angrily flipped the chair over declaring, "THAT CRACK WASN'T THERE BEFORE YOU SAT IN MY CHAIR"! I stopped and looked over and was just floored. She didn't ask if my mom was okay, she didn't say, I'm sorry I feel so bad, or oh man are you okay that was awful can I help you, no she yelled at my mom. Then she grabbed the chair stormed off and threw it in a hall. Five minutes later we saw her standing on another chair to do something for the party. She weighed at least 200 pounds and was standing on her chair no fucking wonder they cracked.

Later, as her daughter opened gifts and received a ton of diapers, plus tons of notes from family saying they would be supplying diapers any time all she had to do was call, plus a shit ton of stuff from me, not one thank you was given. Her mom never said wow thanks guys this was so thoughtful of you, or gosh she would have never gotten all of this if it wasn't for you.

Now would be a good time for me to say, the pregnant girl is 16. All of these people showed up for her, they bought her stuff, gave her stuff, whatever, and her mom never thanked them, or me. Her friends didn't come, it was mostly her moms friends, her boyfriends sister, and us, with 2 other friends. I would have thought, at the end she would have thanked people for helping her daughter who has nothing, who is totally unprepared and is basically being ignored by her family. The people who showed up, should have been thanked.

There were so many more moments where I just felt so unwelcomed at this poor girls shower. You could tell how uncomfortable she felt too, being in this situation. Even when I won the game there was no, good job, nothing. Instead, they threw a box of gifts at me and said here take a present and then move on.

The lady got upset with Brandon for walking up and down the stairs. He wasn't going in any rooms, or even stepping off the stairs, he was just going up then down up then down, and she got upset about it.

I remember both of my showers. I remember at the end my mom stopping every single person and just thanking them for being there for me, for buying me gifts that would help me out, for taking the time to be there for me and just thanking them for everything. Everyone felt welcome in my house.

In the end, we left feeling so bothered, feeling like our presence wasn't appreciated. I also left wondering what the fuck happened to manners.

Even babies get caught!

The guy at the Mac store asked just what the fuck exactly happened to make my computer look so bad? I mentioned something about kids, he looked at me with a face that said, "kids can't do this", maybe I should email him these...

"Moms in the other room, she can't see me"Look at it, so shiny and white and forbidden

Ooooo let me touch it with all my fingers and toes

OH SHIT here she comes I better hurry up and smash it!

Rubbernecker

If you would have been driving down the street by my house today (the very public high traffic street) you would have seen me pushing my two year old in a stroller and carrying my 7 month old in the Moby like one of those moms who exercised and shit! However, if you would have driven by at exactly the right moment you would have also seen my BOOBS! Yes I had Codi situated in the Moby so he could nurse. Somehow I was still able to hold the stroller with both hands, nurse and not drop him. I think only one guy happened by at the right angle and he nearly wrecked rubbernecking to figure out if he really just saw that ladies boob hanging out!

Also, if you were looking hard enough you probably could have pin pointed the EXACT moment I realized I had just started my period, unexpectedly and TOTALLY FUCKING UNPREPARED!

How to start your morning

There is nothing like groggily reaching up to scratch your face in the middle of the night only to yelp out in pain once you realized you just scratched a HUGE pimple that wasn't there the night before. What makes it worse? It was in that spot right below your nose but above your lip. OUCH MOTHER FUCKER!

However, this would have been fine anyone else would have went back to sleep, but, since you know my history with picking, and poking zits I just had to jump out of bed to inspect the new zit and then promptly smoosh it!

Not such a good way to start they day.

What will forever be referred to as THE BEST DAY EVER

For months I've been counting down. No, scratch that, over a year. Then it got closer and closer and I counted the days, then hours and then minutes until it happened.

What was it? It was an opening? A big big opening!

A died and gone to heaven fuck my diet for a day kind of opening.



OOOOO It's like porn for a food fanatic. My mom, cousin, office mate and I scheduled a lunch date around it. I nervously watched the minutes tick down on the clock. Suddenly it was time. I walked to my car totally nonchalant but inside I was shouting IT'S TIME OH GLORIOUS FOOD GODS IT IS TIME I GO TO MY MECCA!

We arrived and the front of the store drew me in with its California looking exterior and free food tasters out front. Upon entering I was bombarded with tasters. TASTERS a girls favorite thing. Fuck your Prada give me tasters! And then, suddenly, it was chaos! We were running around tasting and oooooing and ahhing and getting lost and wrecking into other people.

IT WAS AWESOME!

I felt like I was in some sort of fun house. Every isle got better and better but then. Then
I stumbled into this!!!!!!!!!!!! The bakery. There was shelves and shelves and shelves of ooh gooey chocolate goodness! I didn't even know what to do with myself. I started running in circles and wringing my hands and at one point I thought I might need to sit down and have a drink! Right when I thought things couldn't get better, they did.

Suddenly there were trays of bread circling under my nose and platters of cinnamon thingies being placed in my hands, and bread with artichoke something or other finding its way in my mouth. I wondered how many times I could sneak back for seconds, thirds, twentieths before they realized what I was doing. We stocked up on freebies. Tons and tons of freebies. Cliff bars, milks, vitamins and so on.

Finally I noticed the salad bar, soup, ethnic, taco, holy mother fucker there is so much food buffet and it was as if I had just had the biggest food orgasm ever. I filled two boxes and two tubs of soup and topped it off with fresh baked bread. We waited in line and checked out and I went back to work dreaming of the next time I could go back and visit again. The awesome thing is, it is only two miles away from where I live so I can walk there. They also host a cooking school and I can't wait to sign up for classes. All of my food was delicious.

My actual favorite part of all, is that they had an amazing selection of kids foods. Tons and tons of stuff for my boys. Codi got some tasty teething cookies, and Brandon's head is literally going to blow up when he sees that I found macaroni that is shaped like bugs and worms! He is always calling elbow macaroni or spaghetti worm noodles. Other pasta, like shells, are circle noodles. I can't wait to see his face tonight when he sees noodle that look like real worms, and catapillars and bugs!

I have a date set up with Katie on Saturday to go back. But, if anyone wants to make a date for the rest of the days this week just let me know. I see no problems sampling more delicious fresh breads!