I'm mad...over something stupid

I'm mad. It is 7:50 in the morning. My mom is going to be late to work today. DO YOU KNOW WHY? Because she is driving clear up the Mt. Rose Highway for no good reason other then to buy me some ramen.

Yes. You read right.

Ramen.

Did you know that in all of Reno only one store carries vegetarian ramen? Nissin is the only brand that makes a ramen with out meat stock. Their oriental. However, even though every store in Reno stocks the chicken, beef, pork, shrimp, spicy chicken, creamy chicken, and so on, of the Nissin brand, for some reason they choose not to have Oriental. I assume it is because they also all carry the Maruchan brand, and in that brand they carry Oriental. Problem is, the Maruchan oriental ramen has BEEF EXTRACT.

And guess what?

I can taste it!

I've written about this before, but I want to again. I am so frustrated by the lack of vegetarian options. There is never a vegetarian soup option on the menu at restaurants. There is rarely a good cheese selection at sandwich shops. Most pastas, rices and risottos are made with stock, and most salads are now topped with bacon.

And fine. If you want to do that fine. I won't eat at your restaurant. I no longer eat McDonalds because they put beef flavoring in their fries AND hashbrowns. But what really really bugs me, is wait staff who don't fucking have a clue.

Me: Does the Parmesan risotto have meat in it?

Waitperson: No

Me: Can you please check (I don't do this to be a pain I do it as a test of ignorance on their part)

Waitperson: I'll check but I'm pretty sure it doesn't

Waitperson: I asked the chef and it only has chicken stock in it

Me: Yeah thats meat, thanks I'll just have a plain salad and some crackers.

It bugs me. It bothers me how a person can work in a restaurant and sell food and not know what the fuck they were selling. Don't try and fool me. Respect your customer and tell them the truth. Do you think I won't be able to taste the chicken, beef, or bacon in my meal? I don't like meat, thats why I don't eat it. It taste funny, looks funny, and smells funny. Kinda like dog shit. Are you going to tell me you wouldn't be able to taste and smell some dog shit in your rice? Ha. I'm sure you have all been trained so well to think that dog shit is a fucking delicacy. You know what? I have a good palate I know what is in my food. Dammit I should be on Hells Kitchen, I would kill that competition every time.

Do you watch that show? How about the episode where all those amazing chefs couldn't tell every fucking meal was made out of soy based meat product with NO MEAT! Are you serious? Is that what our world has come to? You tell us it's beef and we believe it's beef. YOU are the reason those people in Mexico selling cat on a stick and calling it chicken are still in business.

This weekend my dad and I were joking about the squirrels in my back yard. He was hungry and said he would eat some squirrel. I said, "I heard it taste like chicken". He replied, "No, chicken taste like chicken, squirrel taste like squirrel."

I wanted to kiss him right there because dammit, I'm so sick of hearing that shit taste like chicken!

And. While I'm bitching and moaning here, if I come in your restaurant and I order a fucking vegetarian taco, and you throw my tortilla on the grill you grill the chicken on YOU HAVE JUST RUINED MY ENTIRE MEAL! You fucking idiot, do you not think the tortilla doesn't now taste like nasty raunchy chicken? I've had to walk away from so many meals because something was messed up like that. It's just ignorance in the world of cooking. Pure stupidity, and also, it is just plain rude. Places like Tin Star grill, who prided themselves in having a vast vegetarian menu with tons of options, mushrooms, two kinds of beans, sautéed vegetables and so on, then they slapped my tortilla on the chicken grill.

I have one statement to make. I realize all cities aren't as fucking stupid as mine. I know places in Oregon and Washington offer real vegetarian food. Shit, they offer real cooked food from scratch (whole other rant). So yes, I realize not everyone has my gripe. I know some of you live in towns where people pride themselves on their food. I don't. I live in a town whose famous food is "the buffet." New York has pizza, Maine has lobster, Reno has buffet. We are a speedy, slap happy, poor quality kind of town and I hate it. I'm sick of it.

I would love to write a letter to my local editor asking our restaurant owners to wake up and make some good food, but, I'm not even sure the people in this town slow down long enough to read a paper.

Dammit, I just want some good food, that I don't always have to cook myself, is that to much to ask?

The Memory Keepers Daughter ** Spoiler Alert**

I've always loved to read. Since I was little. Until having kids I used to go through at least a book a week. Reading to me, was a great way to escape my own little reality for a while, and jump into something else. It was my way of having at least one happy ending a week. While I haven't gotten to read near as much since having kids, I have made an effort to keep reading as much as possible. When picking books I research them. I read reviews, I think on it, and of course, I look at the cover (duh). I would have to say, this is the first book I've been utterly disappointed in.

I really don't know how to describe it. The book was well written, it was a page turner, but, it was bad. The background of the story is, in 1964 a doctor delivers his twins. One is born mentally retarded and one is normal. He gives away the mentally retarded one and tells his wife the baby died. The remainder of the book, is basically the demise of the husband and wives relationship as she copes with the loss of her daughter and he copes with the magnitude of his lie. It is obvious that at some point the wife will find out he lied. That is where my disappointment lies. It took to long to find out. One major even happens before she finds out, and I feel as though, the author took to long. However, it is apparent that had the author not dragged out the reveal of the secret there would be no book.

My biggest beef of all, is the entire book is depressing. Even when the secret is revealed, it is depressing, when the mom and baby reunite, it is depressing, there is an air of sadness, there is no joyous moment, no time where I wanted to leap with joy. Even down to the last words I found the book depressing. I don't want to reveal all the events, or the ending, I'll just say I was sad the whole book. That is normally fine. Being sad is usually fine, because the author usually leaves you with some kind of overly happy ending, that you are left smiling through the tears. You are left knowing all the sadness was worth it. While this book is a page turner, I only turned the pages hoping that I would be uplifted soon. Waiting for the bait, something to lure me back in and make me say, "see it's not all bad." But it was all bad. Bad, bad, sad, depressing!

I guess that when I'm trying to take a break from the terrible things in my own life, and my own depression I'd rather not read a book that brings me down further and leaves me down. I can't decide if I recommend this book or not. Like I said, it was very well written, the author obviously has a gift, I just wish I would have walked away feeling less like jumping off a cliff and more like jumping for joy.

I still can't bweeth thwew my nose

Boy 2 at 6 months
Noticeably shorter, but he doesn't care, at least he isn't bald right

Boy 1 at 7 months
Much taller, but much balder

We are having a barbecue today. I just had to spell check barbecue, who knew there wasn't actually a "Q" in it, blows my mind man. I am still sick. Since I'm nursing I can't take anything but Robitussin DM and Tylenol (cough ahem, PLACEBO). What I wouldn't give for a DayQuil right now. Doesn't it sound heavenly? If only you could hear me now. I'm sexy. What with my plugged nose nasally tone that is often interrupted by my phlegmy cough and a hint of wheeze mixed in.

I made Ginger come over and make her famous potato salad. Then I made her make my scones for me, because the instructions were all, cut in this, and blend this, and separate bowl that, and I was all, PSSSH TO MANY INSTRUCTIONS, CAN'T MEASURE, STEP AWAY SLOWLY. Said scones did not come with enough cranberries and I'm left wanting to write the company and complain. I want to tell them, "hey two miserable cranberries per jumbo scone isn't gonna satisfy this fatty." Luckily I didn't have to buy any jelly for them, I have plenty of jelly on my thighs.

This year I'm trying to talk Rob into letting ME barbecue (with no Q) the food, as he has a tendency to get totally drunk and burn and/or ignite everything on the grill because he is too busy telling some witty anecdote about NOTHING AT ALL. I had my camera all posed and ready to take pictures of the disasters that are our parties. Only, it's raining outside so we moved the party inside, and the inside parties are not nearly as fun. I mean, if we are inside then none of my husbands friends can climb my fence and dive off, and splash around in the kiddy pool, and then let the other guys shove someone in the kids little car. And that was all one party, and all one guy. We can't forget the time that they all got drunk and took turns seeing who could punch the buff guy harder in the six pack, only most of them fucked up and punched him in his hip and ran away crying that they hurt their hands. We are some adults here, yes we are!

I just want the party to start because dammit, I want to eat my spinach dip and Katies cookies. Well I've gotta go now, people will start showing up in a half hour and, wait, HA, that would imply I knew a single person who was capable of being on time besides ME!

And oh man, I can't believe I forgot to write about how yesterday Ginger and I ran to the store (after she was 20 minutes late) and my husband called me to tell me I had company. Then Katie got on the phone and informed me, she thought the party was today and was standing at my house with her cookies and party hat on. I laughed, then told her it was totally okay, because she is pregnant and that constitutes baby brains! It was super funny though because Katie might be the most organized person I've ever seen, EVER. He he! She left her cookies for the pot luck (I swear I didn't eat any) and said, "Okay I'll be back tomorrow!" I reminded her tomorrow, that baby brains and all, she should try not to also be 45 minutes late, which just proves my point that everyone I know is always LATE!

An open letter to the last ten pounds

They say you are the hardest pounds to lose. Which isn't saying much since your other 40 friends just fell right off like a leaf in the wind. But you, oh you, last ten pounds, well your quite the little bitch. You have the meanest desires. You keep luring me to that chocolate bar in the freezer, or the pop tarts in the pantry. You make me lose concentration and forget I'm dieting. You keep coming back. You tease me with a 1 pound lose only to make me gain 3 pounds.

I want you gone. But I don't want to give up my candy, and bagels, and junk food. Tell me Mrs. last ten pounds, why can't you give me a free pass from my period while I'm trying to get rid of you? Why can't you protect me from getting sick and needing comfort food? Why do you like my body so much? I'm not nice to you. I don't parade you around for the world to see. I don't let you hang out over my jeans and brag that you are there. So why, why do you want to stay so close by?

I'll make you a deal Mrs. last ten pounds. If you leave me, and move somewhere else, like oh, say onto my 3rd% for weigh 2 year old, I will totally continue to feed my body chocolate and donuts. And, if you won't leave, can you at least redistribute somewhere like, umm, my brain, or my boobs. No wait, those are already big enough. Just leave!

Stop being a selfish stubborn little bitch and get off my body. I have some jeans I need to buy and I can't till you're gone! What did I do to deserve you anyway? It's not like I spent the last 7 years living on pasta and ice cream....oh wait, I did, but still. Fuck. Give a girl a break.

I went out in the sun and attempted to melt you off this last weekend. But noooo. Instead I just walked away with tan stretch marks and an extra pound from the sunshine fun food I ate. You're a slut, I see how you work.

Maybe you'll leave if I feed you something really yucky, like fish, or diet food. Thats it. Two can play this game asshole, if you won't leave I'm going to feed you nothing but rice cakes and apples FOREVER!!!!!

Life lessons

Lesson #9805863284niner

When you pierce your nose, and then get sick, don't rub your nose to much, or blow it to much. If you do this, your nose ring will poke the inside of your nose and cause a scab. If you're like me, you will not be able to resit poking your finger in your nose to touch the scab. This means you will have a scab for nearly 1 month because you are a little kid who must poke things when they hurt.

DEAR LISA- YOUR FIRED

DEAR LISA,
NEXT TIME I SEND YOU A MESSAGE THAT SAYS I'M FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF AND I WANT TO EAT IT OUT, AND FOLLOW IT WITH A MESSAGE SAYING I'M GOING TO THE GAS STATION MARKET IT IS YOUR MORAL OBLIGATION TO STOP ME. SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY DIET, AND MY FAT ASS. THEN, CALL THE GAS STATION, SINCE YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I'M GOING TO AND FORBID THEM TO SERVE ME. ALSO. WHEN YOU KNOW I'M FEELING LIKE EATING, STOP TALKING ABOUT FUCKING SMORES. BECAUSE OF YOUR LACK OF CONCERN AND NOT STOPPING ME I WAS FORCED TO BUY THE FOLLWING:
1 CHEFS SALAD
1 BAG CORN NUTS
1 PINT BEN AND JERRYS
1 FRESCA
1 PACK OF 2 DING DONGS
2 MINI ALMOND JOYS
1 MOON PIE (WTF IS A MOON PIE)
1 POT O GOLD (WTF IS A POT O GOLD)
1 BAG SIXLETTES
1 PACK OF GUM
1 BAG ALMOND M&MS
1 TOBBLERON BAR
AND ONE STRAWBERRY CHARLESTON CHEW

THIS IS ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT, ALL THAT HAPPENED BECAUSE THE STORE WAS OUT OF SMORES CANDY BARS AND YOU DIDN'T STOP ME. IT'S ONLY 14 SECONDS FROM YOUR OFFICE, YOU COULD HAVE WENT OVER AND DRUG ME OUT KICKING AND SCREAMING, BUT NO YOU INSTEAD REPLY WITH, "EAT SOMETHING YUMMY!"

YOUR FIRED! YOU ALWAYS DO A MUCH BETTER JOB REMINDING ME TO EAT HEALTHY AND WATCH MY DIET.

YOUR FIRED.

AM NOW HIRING FOR OPEN POSITION OF COUSIN!

NOT SINCERELY SHANNON!

Burger time

Feeling like a big ass burger check it out here.

Also someone inquired about my salmon the other day, you can find that here.

I was just making my husband some breakfast quesidillas (dammit meant to take a picture of those) and while shredding the cheese I may have shredded my hand. So I turned the grater over and there was a piece of my skin just chilling on it. I picked it up and dangled it in front of Rob. He was less then impressed. But don't worry, I think I got all the skin out before I wrapped it up to send to work with him.

We ran through the sprinklers this weekend and I ended up with some nice color on my shoulders and chest, aside from the part of my chest that has a chin shaped white mark on it. I'M HAWT! The annoying part is my legs are still bright white. BRIGHT WHITE PEOPLE, and I was in the sun for over 4 hours. We ran through the sprinklers till my grass turned more into mud and then I think he was having more fun squashing the mud then playing in the sprinklers.

My mom planted me a cute little garden with some veggies and stuff. I had a tiny 1 inch bell pepper growing. Brandon saw it and declared, "yum green vegtamable," picked it off and ate it. HE ATE MY BABY BELL PEPPER! Then spit it out and said, "thats not belicious." I was devastated to see my little pepper go. Shit head.

Codi is starting to pull up on everything. His favorite is to crawl over to my purse, or Brandons little couch and stand up on it. Only problem is, on the little couch he stands up then reaches over the back to grab something and falls feet over head on the hard wood. Then he screams, gets up and goes back and does it again. Scares the ever loving shit out of me because his neck bends back in a way that I thought only gumby could do. He had his 6 month doctors appointment yesterday. Here are the stats:
16.1 lbs 25% for weight
25" high, 10% for height
44.5 cm head 75% head.

Awesome so, we have a short chubbermuffin who will be a genius. Sounds oddly familiar, cuz it sounds like ME! The doctor gave me a list of things Codi should do between 6-9 months (I'm scanning it later to put it on here as a great way to remember this shit with out four gazillion pieces of paper). He can do all but three out of about 25 or more things. He doesn't eat solids, he doesn't sleep through the night, and he isn't quite picking stuff up using only his pointer finger and thumb. The doctor was shocked that he had already accomplished all his 9 month tasks. He actually sat up alone the entire visit just chewing on my keys. The doctor just kept looking at him like, "uh dude are you going to fall". He said to expect him to start pulling up towards nine months and I had to tell him how Codi already pulls himself up and then launches himself off things. Last night he was trying to climb steps. All in all it was an excellent appointment. He said not to worry about solids, we can do those when Codi is ready for it, and obviously the breast milk diet isn't making him thin or anything.

I asked him about Brandons teeth. His recommendation was that unless there are cavaties in the molars then don't knock him out. He said front ons can often be ground out or left alone all together.

In other news. Last night I was out grilling some burgers. My husband walked out to do something and almost stepped in a giant pile of green poop. Seems Brandon was outside going pee off my porch (he likes to pee off the porch cuz it's more fun and he can aim farther) when he decided he had to poop. So instead of running to the toilet, he just squatted down and took a giant green turd on my porch. Then he pulled up his pants and went about his business. Rob was totally not impressed. I had to put a plate in front of my face to hide the laughter and then run away in a fit of giggles. If your wondering why his poop was green, it was from all the blue otterpops he ate the last two days. Took me some time to figure that one out too! I'll save you the part about how he also pooped on his shoe, and how he had tracks in his shorts after that from not wiping.

Seriously, I just don't understand how some people could not want kids huh.

Notes of importance

Note one: Today while running through the sprinklers with Brandon, I had to stop and ask myself if that slapping sound was my thighs or my flip flops. I consoled myself with fresh cookies and pizza.

Note two: While visiting a friend who had just bought a new water slide complete with a spray gun apparatus, my son got frustrated when the other kids wouldn't share. His remedy to this was to drop his drawers, grab his entire package (berries and all) and AIM at the kids with his, "squirt gun," while yelling I squirt you I squirt you and shooting pee all over the kids and the slide. I was mortified, the other two adults there just laughed at it. PEE! HE PEED ON KIDS! WHILE SHOUTING HE WOULD SQUIRT THEM! WHILE HOLDING HIS STUFF AND THRUSTING HIS HIPS OUT AS FAR AS POSSIBLE TO GET THE MOST OUT OF HIS AIM!

How do I remember this shit?

Quite a few years back I had eliminated almost all of my female friends and was mostly hanging out with some guys from a rival high school. We became pretty close and it is safe to say they rubbed off on me. They got me into Southpark, and camping at the lake, and other random things. One of the really funny things they would do is just announce randomly they had to poop. Then, you know, go poop.

So. One day Lisa and I are driving to Burlington Coat factory. We are just driving down the road and I look over at her and decide to try out my new line.

"Man, I've got to take a dump." I say with a huge grin.

Lisa totally freezes and then says, "um, uh, okay."

I realize immediately that girls are totally not supposed to act like boys. I try and cover my tracks and be like dude sorry the boys say it all the time I just thought it was a funny ice breaker. She wasn't having it. She was in a total state of shock. And I don't know who was more embarrassed me for saying it or her for having to hear it.

But it got worse. Because while I didn't in fact have to poop I did have to pee, but I don't think Lisa believed that. So we get to Burlington and I set of to go pee in the fastest possible time so she knows I only peed that I wasn't in fact dumping. However. Burlington apparantly has a ton of people take products into the bathroom and steal them. So they had some kind of system going where you had to push a button and then look at the camera, show them your hands and they would let you in. Only I don't see the button. I just see two printed signs with a hand on the doors. I'm thinking, okay push here. So I push. I push and push and push and turn around and shove it with my butt. I REALLY HAVE TO PEE. So I'm also kind of pacing and crossing my legs as I push and push and push. So I walk over the the boys bathroom and push. Nothing. I knock, nothing. I stand there looking around like an idiot. I am not kidding when I say this took me at least 3 minutes. Finally I look up between the two doors and see a tiny red button that says push with a sign about the cameras. I push the button and now realize, these people have probably been watching me this whole time laughing. I get in, do my business and get out.

The whole thing from start to finish probably takes 5 minutes.

No matter what I said, I don't think Lisa ever believed that I wasn't in there pooping for 5 minutes. But I did learn, that girls should never ever ever try and act cool like boys and shout out, "I have to take a dump."

So tell me, have you ever said something totally ridiculous like this and if so what?

Dirty little secrets

Have I ever told you that I don't like fried eggs. Well I don't. And I don't eat meat. So this means I don't like most breakfast foods. And right now you're thinking, "well doesn't she like french toast?" And I do, or well, I did. But now, no. Know why? Because it is covered in FRIED EGGS! I bet right now you are all thinking, "now she's done gone really crazy", and you would be right.

I think I made one to many trips to IHOP where they don't give a shit about your food and had one to many french toasts with thick pieces of fried egg dangling off the side.

It's sad too if you think about it. French toast used to be my favorite, BUT ONLY when my grammie cooked it. She always kept special boysenberry syrup for me too, and heated it the good way, you know putting the jar in a pot of boiling water. I could eat pounds of her french toast. Looking back I'm sure she made it because I liked it, but probably mostly because it was cheap.

The point of this is, if you take me out to eat, and I have the choice between breakfast and lunch I always pick lunch. If you take me somewhere that serves both, chances are you will all be eating eggs as I slather my french fries in some ranch. I think this bothers a lot of people. Really. I actually have noticed people become uncomfortable when I order a veggie sammich as opposed to some rotten fried eggs and bacon. This whole situation poses another big problem. As much as I hate eggs and most other breakfast things, I love toast and hashbrowns. This leaves me always wanting to order a sammich with a side of toast and fried potatoes. Can I just tell you how much that is frowned upon. Scuse me waitress can you just bring me a plate of carbs with a side of fried carbs and a vat of ranch to drown it in, really doesn't sound as classy as I would like it to.

My second point is that my most favorite breakfast is chips and some kind of dip. For years it was salsa and cream cheese, currently it's canned nacho cheese. It took YEARS before I let my husband know I did this. I would do the obligatory, toast and hash browns, or bagel while secretly yearning for my breakfast of chips. That is why I think I knew Rob was it when I gave in one morning looked him dead in the eye and pulled out my Tostitos and salsa. Do you know all these years later he still looks at me just the same, as if I'm out of my damn mind.

Psssh. Whats he know though, he's a fried egg lover.

One of my favorite things though is that my cousin is just like me. She's the same as me in the way that we could both probably survive on chips and dip. What is amusing though, is that a typical morning conversation between the two of us if often spoken over the crunch of chips. It's gotten to the point where I can recognize the difference in a normal pause in conversation and a pause to wipe chips and salsa crumbs. We are so strange.

What is your favorite breakfast food?