IT ALSO SEEMS, I WAS UMMM, A VERY CHRISTMASY HIPPY DORK FACE

BECAUSE, IT WOULD SEEM I ALWAYS REALLY WANTED TO BE A MOM...AND ALSO WAS REALLY CREATIVE WITH WATER BALLOONS

Someone hand me a baby wipe

I've been couped up in the house with a sick toddler for one and a half days, and it is safe to say that a sick 2.5 year old is so much worse then all other ages. Why is that you ask? Because he can fucking talk!

So far today I've heard,
"mom its a rock, mom its a elephant, mom whats she doing, mom whats he doing, mom what are you doing, mom is he jumping, mom he's dancing, mom mom MOM MOOOOOOOM."

And I swear someone needs to grab me a baby wipe because my brain just up and exploded out of my fucking head and ran away to get away from the incessant MOMMING and I really don't need brain juice staining my carpet I have enough Cheeto water and Crayola WASHABLE marker on there already.

If I still drank there would for sure be a couple drops of coffee in my large glass of Baileys this morning. See what I did there? I implied that I would need a drink so bad I would just skip the coffee and just go straight for the liquor. Ha ha, I'm funny right. NO. Are crickets chirping right now? I can't hear them over the shouts of "MOM LOOK ELMO MOVED, ELMO DID THIS ELMO DID THAT."

Angie just posted about how her fiancé bought her tampons. It reminded me of the time that my husband was very very drunk in San Francisco and we had just finished dining at this very classy place** that clearly we were not respectable enough to be at (I decided this when the lady next to me who was dripping head to toe in Louis Vuitton and then wrapped in a Louis pashmina shot us a dirty look for ordering a beer instead of "insert overpriced fancy wine here") when I declared I needed some pads. After dinner we walked over to a drug store, and my husband, drunk on wine (yeah we finally got some pink fruity totally delicious ghetto fabulous wine), Baileys, beer and something else I can't remember, and totally elated because the Giants had just beat the Dodgers BITCHES (his words) decided he would march up to the register and buy my pads for me. After this he walked out of the store and danced through the parking lot with my pads in his hands over his heads kind of the same way one would wave a foam finger around at a hockey game. I snapped a picture on my old Sprint flip phone and we drunkenly stumbled back to our hotel.

Years later I'm so angry at that stupid flip phone because that awesome memory is now forever lost inside of it, since it would be virtually impossible for me to get it out, and then when I did it would be 1 inch tall and pointless. While there is no doubt in my mind my husband would buy me pads again if I asked, I do know that never again in our lives will I be able to capture him dancing around with a giant bag of Always over night ultra pads over his head.

As if things haven't been bad enough this morning Elmos world just came on Sesame street and I'm now listening to him sing, Jumping jumping jumping jumping jump. Over and over and over and over. And I wonder, do the fuckers who produce these shows really hate parents or something? When ever I watch kids shows I suddenly realize that the writers of all of these shows hate their parents, and had awful childhoods and that is why they write annoying stupid shit like this. As revenge to all other parents out there, because they can't you know, just tell their own parents they hate them, they have to take it out on the rest of the fucking world who only turn on their TV to achieve five minutes of peace from their kid only to be confronted with shit like this.



I think I much more prefer this version. Watch it all the way through, it really is relaxing at the end.

And finally I leave you with things I could complain about today but won't
* I started my period
* I am out of my super jumbo over night pads and left with my, "are you serious this thing is supposed to hold more then a drop of blood from a paper cut" pads
* I only lost about 1.5 pounds this week
* Since losing so much weight (35 ish pounds) my underwear have gone from fitting like an overly stretched rubberband to looking like a shower cap for my ass. Seriously they fit like a plastic bulging shower cap and sag in all the wrong places. I'm fucking sexy these days I tell you
* I laid out a great outfit and am now to bloated to even think about putting on my jeans. Only problem, since losing all this weight I only have 3 pairs of jeans and they are all the same size..so since I'm so bloated, my maternity jeans are suddenly giving me come hither looks.
* I again made the mistake of bending over to put my socks on in front of a mirror, which means for the second time in my life I've witnessed my boobs dangling down and touching my knees.

Good thing I'm not going to complain today!

I'll take my award now

One of my kids is passing out while eating lunch, and the other one is rolling off the couch while I help the first one. Yeah I'll be accepting my mother of the year award right now k thanks.

Wisdom

My grandma dug this out and gave it to me the other day. I think she found it at just the right time and it really struck a cord with me. I'm making a huge effort not to be this way anymore, and so far I think it's made a great difference.

To My Grown Up Son

My hands were busy through the day;
I didn't have much time to play
The little games you asked me to.
I'd wash your clothes, I'd sew and cook,
But when you'd bring your picture book
And ask me please to share your fun
I'd say "A little later, son."
I'd tuck you in all safe at night
And hear your prayers, turn out the light.
Then tip-toe softly to the door....
I wish I'd stayed a minute more.

A little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at your side
His precious secrets to confide.
The picture books are put away,
There are no longer games to play,
No good-night kiss, no prayers to hear....
That all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands, once busy, now are still,
The days are long and hard to fill.
I wish I could go back and do
The little things you asked me to.



So. Yeah. Blubbering much huh? My little guy is sick today and he is very needy. I'm making every effort to be there for every little thing he asks. Because I'm well aware that some day, I will miss taking care of my little guy when he is sick. So, have to go now, he wants to cuddle in Bandons bed (He says his name with out the R).

Portrait of a donut eating fool

Donuts make Shannon very happy.

And also. I WILL ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS CHOOSE NEIL DIAMOND. GOSH YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL (Even my husband got this wrong tsk tsk tsk). (The two who ALWAYS get it right Coffee slut and Laura, who oddly enough both just got mail from me ((or should have, let me know if you didn't)) (I swear Coffee slut is like secretly implanted something in my brain to cheat and guess what I'm thinking every single second of the day, oh shit, I hope she couldn't hear me earlier when I was thinking about, cough ahem, never mind.)

So come on and sing it with me baby

Play it now, play it now
Play it now, my baby

Cracklin' Rosie, make me a smile
Girl, if it lasts for an hour, that's all right
We got all night to set the world right
Find us a dream that don't ask no questions
Yeah

Oh, I love my Rosie child
You got the way to make me happy
You and me we go in style
Cracklin' Rose,
You're a store-bought woman
But you make me sing like a guitar hummin'
So hang on to me, girl
Our song keeps runnin' on
Play it now, play it now
Play it now, my baby

Feeling like Chinese

Chinese chicken and mushroom lettuce cups. Only about 200 calories for 3 cups. Can also be made as a flexitarian meal, half vegetarian and half chicken with no added effort.

Check it out here.

An open letter to the chocolate dipped donuts on my kitchen counter

Yesterday at the store after filling my cart with enough vegetables to make the checker exclaim, "WOW I've never seen someone buy so many vegetables, I hate vegetables, I don't even know how you will eat all of these," I walked towards the deli meat counter. In order to get to the deli counter for my husbands fresh sliced lunch meat I had to pass the bakery.

That is when I spotted you. In your pretty plastic box. Your chocolaty dipped goodness. You reminded me of those yummy little Hostess chocolate dipped donuts ONLY BIGGER! I thought of my sweet little Brandon and picked them up. Even though there were 15 donuts in the package I still grabbed it. Then I looked around hoping to find a package with a smaller amount. There were none. You were a smart package, you knew how to suck me in with your vast quantity and chocolaty goodness.

After you were in my cart I finished shopping. I checked my labels. Nothing with high fructose corn syrup. Nothing with fillers or nitrates (can't wait to taste those nitrate & filler free hot dogs I got Brandon). I filled it with vegetables and organic milks and butters. I got fruit instead of cookies. Slowly I could no longer see the tasty donuts in my cart. I forgot about your tastiness lurking in there.

Until the check stand. Then I found you again as I put you on the black conveyor belt. Suddenly sometime wet appeared on my face, and I found myself hurriedly wiping drool before the checker saw it trickling out of my mouth.

I finished up and paid and walked to my car where I saw the edge of your box sticking out of the bag. You knew what you were doing. You knew I was hungry and you strategically placed yourself right where I would see you.

Of course you know what I did. You know that I grabbed one of your delicious, chocolate covered selves and ate you as I drove home to cook dinner. I didn't even feel bad about eating you, or maybe it wasn't you, maybe that was your mommy donut, or your auntie donut, either way I ate one donut from your little family of donuts and it was OUTSTANDING!

Then last night I got home and fed my family dinner and I gave my son 1/2 a donut as a treat. But this morning, alas you are all still here. Staring at me. You are telling me to eat all of you. Not just one, BUT ALL. Your reminding me how the people on Biggest Loser can eat 1500 calories in a temptation and still lose weight. Your making it sound like eating the whole box wouldn't even be, "that bad."

So I had a bite of my sons donut this morning and it was good. And I have to ask, why do you have to taste that good? You do it on purpose don't you. You were created just to ruin diets and crash weight losses. I'm on to you sweet donuts. And even though I'm on to you, I still want to eat you. I want to shovel you in my mouth and lick the crumbs off the floor.

I'm left now staring at my sons half eaten donuts with tiny bites in them thinking, I WANT TO EAT THOSE TOO! Whatever you maker did when making you, he did right. He has made me question whether I'm a human, or if I am in fact a Hoover vacuum who runs on donut crumbs.

There will be no contest this time donuts. No mailing you out and pawning you off on some other poor soul. No no no, this time donuts, it is me vs. you and one of us won't be here at the end. Chances are, it won't be you!

I see you dear sweet donuts

Up close at the chocolaty goodness

Don't look at me like that bloggers, you would eat it too

Maybe I can get by just smelling it

NO! Must eat donut

NO NO! Must not eat donut. Must just stare at it longingly instead!

Telling donuts, they are bad bad naughty little donuts. They should be ashamed of themselves
(Go ahead and count they are all still there!)

((Mandy was trying to describe my blog to her husband the other day, I stepped in saying, "I'm big on self humiliation on my blog," But then I realized I hadn't humiliated myself lately, which is why you now get these pictures and also, not even five minutes later!

Which one

While driving to work this morning the following was on my radio. Which one did I listen to?

1. Sean Kingston- Beautiful girl

2. Neil Diamond- Cracklin Rose

3. My favorite talk radio show

4. Adam Corolla

5. Something on the country channel

6. That newish song by John Mayer

7. Plain White tees- Delila

8. Chingy- Holiday Inn

9. None got mad and turned on my Ipod

Hurry hurry hurry

I need to Exercise

I need to shave my armpits

(Sniffs) I probably need to throw some deodorant on there too

You know, maybe I should just go ahead and take a shower

I need to buy groceries

I need to remember to put milk on my grocery list

I need to open Codi's savings account now that I FINALLY got his SS#

I need to wash my car it is starting to look like my interior color of choice is dirty toddler shoe dust

I need to put those two cups of milk in the fridge

I need to make Brandons breakfast

I need to pee

I need to go see what Brandon is doing in his room to make all that noise

I need to brace myself for whatever I see, it is loud in there, it's going to be bad

I need to make two care packages for friends

I need to remember not to leave my freshly boiled eggs in the pot of hot water again all day resulting in hard boiled egg shaped bouncy balls

I need to drink at least 10 more cups of my chocolate raspberry Hawaiian coffee because it taste like desert

I need to do more sit ups and push ups

I need to do push ups with out a two ear old sitting on my back saying I WANNA RIDE DA HORSE

I need to tell everyone how this weekend I got a little short with Brandon and he replied with, "oh my gosh mom, my goodness." and I had to try really hard not to laugh

I still need to pee

I need to tell Brandon to get dressed AGAIN because I just walked in and found him reading books naked while covering his mr. wiggle saying look mommy it's gone, as he turns the pages

I need to tell you how yesterday my son ran over to me and farted and smewll it mom smewll it

I need to figure out why there is a tissue in my shirt in my armpit

I need to clip two toenails

I need to tell these guys on the Biggest Loser that they are a bunch of super whiney fucker baby pansey asses AND REAL MEN DON'T CRY LIKE THIS! Shit, do they just find men who are going through menopause?

I need to stop blogging so I can get all this done

Do you have anything you need to do today?