Are you hungry yet

In case you were wondering what to make for dinner, how does smokey mozzarella chicken with asparagus and potatoes sound?
http://tasteytemptations.blogspot.com/

Pee

Yeah. Thats right. I'm going to post about pee. My son is potty trained. He has been since he was just over two. I love this. While I totally love not changing diapers, I still have to wipe his ass all the same so that feels no different. In fact, in some instances him being potty trained feels a little more like a root canal, it hurts like shit for a while and then eventually feels better. Right now, him being potty training hurts like shit.

At least 3 times a week I go into the bathroom to find poop smeared across the toilet. Great. Not only does that mean he was in here grunting out poops bigger then the pork loin I cooked last night and smearing it on my seat, it also means hes now running around the house with poop smeared all over his butt and likely on his fingers from attempting to wipe an assfull of poop with one tiny 1/4 inch of toilet paper.

However, the poop isn't even what gets me. Its the fucking pee. At first, he used to just have some insane nack for pissing right under the toilet seat. It was like he would sit down and think, gee how can I make peeing the most fun. I know, I'll pee right between the seat and the bowl so it shoots out all over the wall and scale and carpet in front of me. Shit this is more fun then going to a circus.

Finally my husband magically taught him to hold his peepee and aim down! Novel idea huh, not pissing on the wall every day. But then, while hanging out with his nanny one day he let a little pee slip out of the toilet and she laughed. Smart cookie there. You should always laugh when your child is doing something wrong, really, laughing is exactly what to do to make them stop. The next thing I know he is arching his pelvis making the pee shoot over the seat and ALL over the floor. Apparently he hadn't peed in a month because he managed to make a puddle in front of the toilet, behind it, under it, down the hall and probably out side down the block. I was pissed off. He continued doing this shit for about 2 weeks hoping I would laugh. Once again my magic husband broke him of this habit.

Enter my dad. He got the idea in his head that Brandon was 13 and totally capable of aiming his tiny piss rocket into the toilet. Yeah, he thought it would be awesome to teach my 2 year old child to pee standing up. So yeah okay sure, if I managed to have spidey sense and know every time he peed and I somehow got him to aim right the first time it would be fun. However the last 3 times he's gone in with out me knowing, started peeing above the toilet and finding that so fun continued peeing all down the side of the counter on top of the counter in the sink, and honestly I don't even want to think of my toothbrush, well that wasn't so awesome.

Anyway I told EVERYONE no more standing to pee, and EVERYONE laughed at me like oh whatever Shannon your such a party pooper. Then last night, I walked in to see him soaking my bathroom and that was it. It was 7:30 at night, I was pooped and my fucking bathroom was covered in pee. I haphazardly cleaned it up, knowing today was huge cleaning day (every two weeks I scrub every inch of my house) and told my parents under no certain terms that THEY BETTER STOP LETTING HIM PEE STANDING UP BECAUSE I WAS A BIG PILE OF MESSY TEARS AND CLEANING PEE WASN'T HELPING. We talked to Brandon and said no more standing, only sitting and only PEE IN THE TOILET!

However it appears the damage is done. Just now he informed me he had to pee. I was holding Codi so by the time I put him down and made it to the bathroom Brandon was already on the toilet. He said, "Look mommy I sit down pee toilet." I was soo proud of him. Upon further inspection I saw it. Pee all over the side of the counter, the wall, the plunger, the trash, the floor and the toilet. What I figure happened is he attempted peeing standing up one more time, realized he was peeing every where but in the toilet freaked out and tried to sit down and finish before he heard me coming. So that means my freshly scrubbed bathroom was now covered in piss again. I was deflated. I told him to just go find his dad and proceeded to scrub the floors, walls, and other things I had just scrubbed. I feel like bawling. Cleaning pee is not my idea of a happy Sunday. So, in case you were thinking about potty training your child...remember diapers really aren't all that bad!

**Edited to add: Don't even get me started on the track marks I just found on his brand new clean fresh comforter.

Just in time for Lent

I posted a salmon recipe over here for those of you being healthy, or participating in lent.

Taking procautions (I say pro cuz I think it's a positive thing, so I do realize the spelling error, mmmmkay)

I've been making efforts to become healthier lately. I found a picture of myself right after my wedding and I was astonished I looked that way. I mean, I knew I was fat but I think until now I didn't know I looked like a walking Biggest Loser billboard. I find it funny how many people are probably walking around right now thinking, ehhh I'm heavy but I'm not that bad, I'm still kind of sexy. Then they lose about 20 pounds and then they say OOOOO now I get it, I was only a few pounds away from getting milked and renamed Bessy! At the same time I can't believe how many skinny girls are out there who think they are fat (LH I'm looking at you). I just want to shake them and say hey jackass I'll trade you for your size 4's any day, really here, you can go ahead and have my SIZE 14'S jackass.

Okay not the point. The point was, since having kids, and becoming sober (yeah probably cut out about 94520498759890 calories just in liquor alone, wait I did the math just now and I saved 2,478 calories a day just by cutting out amaretto ) I've been making a real actual effort to get healthy. Not just skinny healthy but HEALTHY. You know, like granola cruncher kinda healthy. I've been trying to eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks a day. I try and make sure one snack is fruit. I make sure to eat fruit with every breakfast and to eat at least two different vegetables a day. I try and cook most of what I eat and I try not to eat at restaurants or fast food places. I won't say never because if I have one fast food meal in 3 months that isn't bad. I try and keep my chocolate consumption to 15 bars a day and 24 bars on the weekend. I cut out all soda, all flavored waters and basically anything that wasn't healthy for me to drink. I'm only drinking water, coffee, milk, V-8, tea and orange juice in moderation. My husband informed me that a Venti Caramel Frapaccino in no way classifies as coffee, DAMMIT! Whatever, I'll remember that when I'm preparing his beets for dinner (background, he agreed to eat a veggie a day if I gave up soda and flavored water.)

I'm really trying my hardest to take vitamins. Seriously I take flax seed oil, one a day, probiotics, calcium magnesium vitamin D, Vitamin C and an all vegetable organic fiber supplement daily.

I'm watching my calories and really trying to find a nice balance between weekdays and weekends. A huge part of what I'm doing is trying to make eating healthy feel normal rather then feel like something I'm doing as a quick fix to a weight issue. I want to make it so in 10 years I still think eating veggies and fruits every day is a normal thing, and at the same time so do my kids. In fact every night Brandon tastes a new vegetable. His most favorite of all is trees (broccoli) and carrots which makes me laugh so hard considering those are two of the hardest things to get kids to eat.

I try and read labels. I avoid as much hydromonsterated oils as possible, I don't like a lot of sugar, I prefer my sodium to come out of my own salt dish, not prepackaged foods. I try and get in a yogurt a day and I like my cheese to be fresh not that rubber cheese they try and pass off as American cheese. The only thing American about it, is that it isn't healthy which is the same for most Americans, we aren't healthy.

I have switched to whole wheat pasta (My husband is somewhere glaring at me right now because he can tell I'm typing those words), I've mostly eliminated bacon from my cooking. I have tried to cut back on my rich sauces and cream bases and make more broth bases or things from pan juices. I have been baking my tortillas instead of frying them and adding more spices and fresh foods to my food rather then jarred and packaged unidentifiable mystery powders you buy at the store.

The point of this entire blog, is that lately I've started feeling like I was one whole grain away from turning into a Kashi commercial, so to be safe, I took precautions and ordered some back up. My order looks similar to this only bigger.

He he, not really, this is my real order, but still, definitely preventing a full Kashi, granola cruncher, hippie overload huh!

*Don't forget to stop by the comment section on this blog and leave me your funniest, dirtiest, cutest, jokes, the winner gets a spot light on my blog.

Spooky

My kid, Jens kid, same out fit, same day, same top snap undone. It's just spooky I tell you.

(Codi)

(Coleton)

Taking the easy route

I decided to be easy today and post some pictures. However make sure to scroll down to this post and leave me your best joke. The winner gets a spotlight post on my blog. Currently Lindsey and Cristina are the two who made me laugh the most, so those are the ones you have to beat. I have have a dirty mind and can take a joke so let me hear your best one!

Some boys wear their moms shoes

My son tries to use my breast pump.

First you plug it in

Then you attach it to your boo boos

If that doesn't work put it in your mouth and hope to suck NILP back out of your stomach

Smile really big while attempting to make Nilp for Codi

Just for good measure do all of this with your pants on backwards!

Using this time to watch Oprah...I mean clean house

Codi, take a nap k, mama wants a break?

Okay, one boy down 2 to go

Woohoo kid two is sleeping

Success, kid 3 is asleep

You would think I would use this time to do something fun, but really I just cleaned the house while my dad worked on my furnace last weekend. Either way, I had full control of the TV remote while cleaning, I consumed plenty of chocolate with out anyone seeing (it doesn't count if no one sees it right?) and did laundry. Doing laundry may not seem fun, but doing laundry with out a two year old there to unfold all your folded clothes totally kicks ass! It was the best hour ever!!!!!!

Whatever I guess he is comfortable

I have adjusted him 3 times now. Clearly he likes his way of sleeping better

Because I'm married to a second grader

Rob: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

Me: Uhh they can both deliver you in 30 minutes or less

Rob: No, they can both smell it but aren't allowed to eat it.

Me: Ewww

Rob: He he

Thanks babe, I could not have gone on in life with out you sharing that little gem with me!

Do any of you know any good jokes? If so let me hear em! The winner of the funniest joke will get a spotlight post on my blog!