Subtlety

As a parent there are many things said to you that really drive you crazy. Most of those things are said right to your face. Things like:

• When my kids where growing up...
• You really shouldn't...
• I heard....
• You should do it this way

But, there are also things that aren't said directly. Those are the ones that bug me the most. I've been encountering this a lot lately. However I've been encountering this the most at work. I hesitate to write about this because you never know who is reading, but at this point it is driving me nuts.

Here is my favorite examples,
"Oh look how cold your little feet are, your mommy didn't put any socks on you."
"Oh your wearing that funny shirt again that rides up funny, I know that bothers you huh."
"Oh your mommy has you upside down to help you fart. Isn't that weird, yes look at you, your upside down." (He was actually on my knees with his head tilted town about an inch so I could push his legs up to help him fart.)

This shit drives me batty people. If your going to tell me I'm doing something wrong, tell me. Don't tell my 8 week old in front of my face knowing I'll read between the lines that you think I'm being a fucking moron. I don't understand why people do that. Obviously they know that I hear them, obviously I'm smart enough to figure it out, so why beat around the bush like a scared little bitch. Instead of saying, wears your jacket little one, just say Hey Shannon I think your kid should have a jacket. That way I can have a chance to respond that no it's a hundred degrees in my car, he's fully clothed and under a bundle me, a jacket would give him heat stroke.

So a word to the wise. If you think your mommy friends are fucking up, come right out and say it to their face, that way you at least give them the option to say back in your face, GO PARENT YOUR OWN KID AND NOT MINE! I'm doing just fine thank you very much! Because what I've noticed, is most of the time those people are telling you what your doing wrong, they have their own kid at home. However, their kid is usually some total screw up who they see nothing wrong with. Obviously lady your way isn't working or your kid wouldn't be sitting at home with their thumb up their ass being a lose piece of shit.

For those of you moms who encounter this, from now on try handling it like me.

"Why yes Codi you are upside down huh cutie wootie smootzie, thats because your mommy did the research and read and learned what to do to help you relieve the gas, isn't that right lovey dovey moopie pie, your mommie is doing whats the very best for you isn't she, isn't she, yeah, you like being upside down because mommy is making your belly feel better. You love your mommy because she takes the time to read books and research and learn all about you, sweetie baby dearest!

THAT WILL SHUT THOSE FUCKERS UP HUH!

Causing hearts to burst open everywhere

Cutie Codi

Codi's little track suit finally fits. So now you get a ton of pictures of it!

OH yeah, the chicks are going to want a piece of this!

Looking hard core!

Big eyes

Hiiiiiiii

Yeah, it's hard being this cute!

HI BALLOCITY

We decided to take the boys to Coconut Bowl tonight. With everything being so busy and tense lately my husband figured Brandon could use some fun. We asked our friends Lisa and Alli to come and bring their kids.

Brandon and I before it was time to leave

Sweet Codi

Attempting to get one photo of Codi and I together

High Ballocity that place is nuts!

The only picture I could capture of Brandon in his excitement

Rob and I

Me n Lisa

You know your parents when

Rob: Babe come in here

Me: Why

Rob: Come see what came out of your sons butt

Me: Umm do I want to?

Rob: Yup just come see it

Me: Uhhh okay

Rob: Look babe it's the biggest log ever. There man sized poops like I do babe, I didn't know he made such big poops!

Me: Ummmmmm Hmmmmm!

The store = A fat girls Heaven or A dieters hell

You know how they always say, never go to the store hungry? Well don't you know that you don't have to be hungry to take, "just a bite." As you all know I'm on a diet. I hate dieting. I hated it even more yesterday. You see I had to go to the grocery store. I had a nice healthy list full of good intentions. Then I walk in and come face to face with one hell of a Valentines Day display. Motherfucker! This will now be the 5th Valentines day that I will be on some kind of diet. One year, I wasn't even on an actual diet but I had just had surgery and couldn't eat. So I spent hours and hours in front of the TV watching Food Networks Valentines week. That involved about 40000 episodes of how to eat chocolate. I told myself that next year I would be able to drink the whole fondue pot if I wanted to. Alas I was on a diet last year and I was doing very good on it, so no chocolate from me. So there, right in front of me was another bitter reminder that yet another Valentines day would be passing and Shannon would still not be licking the bottom of the fondue pot! I was fine ignoring most of the Valentines stuff, until I got to the damn Dove Promises. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck just keep walking, look at your toes look at your toes, fuck the baby is on your belly you can't look at your toes, oh right, your belly the reason you can't eat the Dove Promises. Yes good idea Shannon walk away. I made it into the bread isle and was safely away from the candy at the front of the store. At least I knew where the other bad isles where (read all isles but the dog food, meat and paper products). But then I was bushwacked! Full on sneak attacked. There was another display. An end of isle display. Do you know what was on it? A new flavor of Hersheys kisses. DOUBLE FUCK! See not only am I a sucker for, well, food I'm a huge sucker for anything new. I'm like a robot about new things. I just have to try them. Normally even when I'm on a diet I will buy it and try it, because as long as I taste one I'm okay giving away the rest of the bag. These kisses were packaged in a pretty champagne bottle. Know why? Because they are new champagne flavor kisses. Oooooooo my eyes lit up into what I now refer to as DESERT FACE!

My hand reaches up to grab the beautiful bottle and then stops. I remember this weeks goal to lose 3 pounds. Then I remember the last months worth of trouble with Hershey's kisses. They wouldn't stop jumping in my mouth. No matter what I did, no matter where I hid them, I would find them again and eat 10 before I knew what happened. I slowly backed my cart away from the display and ran toward the milk isle as fast as I could.

BAM!

I came face to face with some sort of new center display. This one had NEW LIQUORICE. It was rainbow flavor and for a minute I got caught up by "all the pretty colors." Ooooh blue for blueberry and green for watermelon and OMG there was peach liquorice. I didn't even realize I was lovingly petting the bag until I noticed a guy staring at me from over across the way on the freezer side. Oh hee, erm, I swear I wasn't just stroking the bag of liquorice, I was just um, testing the uhh ummmm...Fuck I better run again before he really thought I lost my mind.

I quickly glance at my list and see that it's time to pick out a yummy new diet ice cream treat. Okay cool. I could finally pick out something sweet that was actually allowed in my cart.

But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

There it was. The green carton. The once a year limited edition green carton. You know the one. The one that says LIMITED EDITION GIRL SCOUT COOKIE THIN MINT ICE CREAM. I felt my knees go week. Suddenly I couldn't walk anymore. I couldn't move. It was as though I was frozen in that moment. What kind of person passes up Girl Scout Cookie Ice Cream? Only a complete asshole does that.

So great, now I'm an asshole because fuck me I want to lose those three pounds. I go about my shopping, and this time I'm really scanning prices because I don't want to spend a lot of money. I push on toward the Lean Cuisines but think, no too much money, you know cuz I'm being frugal and all. So you can imagine how my eyes bugged out when I saw TEN JUMBO KING SIZE CANDY BARS FOR TEN DOLLARS. I didn't know what to do with myself at this point. I push on and then I run into a Pringles bin. This one has Pringles 10 for $10.00. Okay great I say. I can finally put something that is a good bargain in my cart. I look through em and discover a new flavor. Spicy guacamole. I toss em in (sucker for new things) and finally head safely to the check out.

Safe my ass. Now the evil was in my car. As much as I hate Pringles I was mesmerized by the NEW FLAVOR. I tasted one and holy mother of chocolate those bitches are good. So now I'm sitting here typing this blog about trying to avoid naughty foods with a can of Pringles sitting on my counter sending me come hither looks . They are trying to seduce me with their sexy green can and the phallic shape of their container. It says look at me I'm just the right size for your fat arm to fit into. They are whispering sweet nothings from across the room.

Come eat me Shannon, I won't make you fat, I'll make you look reallll sexy. You know you want me baby. I'll make you real happy and buy you a big house in the country.

And I whisper back,
But my dear Pringles if I eat you, you will make my double chin a triple chin.
And then I quietly back away.

But they are still there, across the room, waiting patiently for the day when I fall off the wagon. Because I always do.

Last night I was going to fuck him up, this morning...maybe I'm the asshole

Remember recently when I said I would let you in on Rob and I's fights? I bet you were starting to wonder if we ever got into fights. Last night we finally had one. Was it warranted..mmmm maybe not so much, was I passionate about it while it was happening, OH HELL YES!

So remember my big fall this weekend? Well that combined with my asinine attempt at spinning, made me very soar and quite a bit stinky. I tell Rob when he picks up Brandon at work that I was going to take a shower while the chicken was cooking. He replied, "babe, you don't have to tell me when you want to shower." I was like, "Okay but I want to shower tonight for sure." (I normally shower mornings because I do not like sleeping with wet hair, I figured if I showered by 5pm it would be dry though.) I get home and he has company over playing Wii. This was fine. What was not fine is that he hadn't moved the Wii out of our bedroom so they were playing in there. Umm my shower is see through. So much for my shower. While he is eating, I figure I might as well take a nice bath so at least I'm clean and I can was my hair in the morning. Rob goes in the room after dinner like always, he goes potty like always, and he starts to do some things he does before showering. I tell him, "babe I want to take a bath after your shower." He says fine. (I have to bathe after him because he says I use all the hot water.) I'm super tired at this point because Codi was up a lot the night before and, well I'm always tired. So I walk out and come back in and he has the video game controller in his hand. I thought he was turning the game off from when his friends were there. I come out and check my email and eat a little diet ice cream. About a half hour passes and I think to myself, gee he's been in there for a while. I'm getting very tired and I go in to see if he's almost done. He's in the bathroom, and then I look over and realize the shower is dry. I ask if he has even gotten in and he tells me that no, he was actually playing video games that whole time.

Insert Shannon's head lighting on fire and bursting right here!

I get pissed off, grab Codi and get into bed. Rob's like babe just take a bath after. NOPE I was mad. It would be way to late, Codi would be waking up and I was beyond tired. He comes in and I was just being a jerk. I was sighing and fussing around in bed and way mad. He asked what was wrong and I just let into him. I told him how it was rude he didn't think to say, Oh yeah sure you can take a bath after I shower, but I won't be showering until after I dick around on the video game more. I was extra mad because I was soooo dirty and soooo sore. So do you know what I did. I sighed and fussed and kicked my legs ALL NIGHT LONG. At one point around midnight Rob asked if I was seriously still mad, and know what? That made me madder! So you know what I did? I got right up and changed his picture frame! That would show him!

(a little background, I bought this for him one valentines day, and yes I really change it when he's being a shit)
This morning I wake up and all the sudden I realize, I was being such an asshole. There was soooo no reason for me to be mad. There was really no reason I couldn't have taken a bath after he showered. So what if I was tired, a bath would just be more relaxing while I was tired. So we chatted all day via Yahoo and then he gets home and mentions that I hadn't changed the frame back. I laughed and went back to cooking. A few minutes ago he got sad about it, so I fixed it. Now it looks like this.

So there you go. Our first fight of the New Year. We are sooo boring huh. By the middle of the day I already forgot I had been mad at him last night, and by the time we got home and he kissed me all was well. But man last night, when I didn't get to washing the horror of spinning off my body, boy did I want to fuck him up!

What happens when you ask you kid to smile with a mouthful

Awesomeness

Swistle I hate my ear hoodie