Never to late

Okay so I got a TON of responses from people saying they wanted to submit drunk stories but they forgot. Tsk tsk for forgetting. However, I am loving the idea of having guest posters on my blog because it gives other people a chance to post a sample of their writing and have it read by people who may not have discovered them yet. Sooooo I'm extending the invite for your best drunken story. Please send it in email to wilddreemer at yahoo dot com and I will post them weekly. I think this is a terrific idea since I will be busy with a newborn and some days will need something quick and easy to throw up on my blog. Lets try not to forget this time ya'll. Get in gear and share your best drunk story. Also, if you are a well behaved drunk but have a terrific story of someone you know, feel free to send that also. At the end I will repost all of the links to all of your drunk stories and the winner is going to win a prize! This is my first ever prize awarding thingy so I'm very excited. DON'T FORGET THIS TIME!

Day three

And day three goes to Lindsey. She will be posting Sunday the 18th. Now the part that I find the most amusing about Lindseys story is that we never find out who or why the guy was chasing her. It is always going to drive me nuts wondering why that guy was chasing her. I bet he was like hey lady you dropped your wallet or something. Here is Lindsey's story.

Ok, here's ONE of my most embarassing stories. It's much better in person with impersonations but oh-well.

I was at a frat party (this is where you go, FIGURES!) and this creepy dude was following me around in a not normal way and I LOST MY FRIENDS so I couldn't escape. In my inebriated state, I decided to RUN away. He followed me! SO I ran faster (only drunk running) and got my ass out of the house somehow. I turned on my turbo-boost running and next thing I know I can actually see my feet in front of me like I'm the road-runner or something. Sweet, right? Not so much. I cut through the St Mary's Catholic church parking lot near my house and trip over one of those parking divider curb things. In slow motion I skid face first to the ground and my head crashes into the parking divider curb thing paralell to the one I tripped on. There I lay (with Jesus laughing from above I'm sure). Don't know how long I was there bit my friends stumbled upon me later as they were walking home. I was this lump laying in the church parking lot. They figured out it was me and helped me up which is when I FREAKED OUT and ran home holding my head. I get home and anyone I encounter reacts with dropped jaw and OHMYGOD. I finally make it up to my room and see myself and FREAK OUT MORE b/c I have a tennis ball growing out of my temple. Holy crap! Everytime I look into a mirror I freak out. My friends call dial-a-nurse to figure out what to do with me and have to answer questions such as "is she bleeding out of the ears?" They decide to wait to take me to the ER b/c I have been drinking and am underage. When we get to the ER I am given meds for a concussion and they clean-up my scrapes. The next day was DADS WEEKEND! I woke up with a black eye and had to explain myself to my profs and my dad. I made sure to wear the hospital bracelet to school for sympathy and told them "I fell while jogging in the dark" and tried to get through class while on vicodin. Embarassing. My friends then seriously made me wear a helmet out for a while as punishment for having to take care of my stupid-ass. THE END

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, YOU CREATIVE BITCHES

From Lorie!

Lorie took pity on me one day when I told her me and my friends are soooo not creative and so she decided to make a present for my little Codi. It is so damn cute and so personal I want to frame it. But I figure I'll wait to frame it until Codi wears it a few times and then craps on the bottom and I need to frame it to hide the stains!


From Chrissy!

Chrissy has obviously been following my diaper bag debacle. She sent me this amazing little diaper caddy thingy that matches my diaper bag so well. I love this and I want to carry it around everywhere I go and show off how cool I am that I have a hand made diaper thingy. The best part is that I was able to take the skip hop doohicky and store extra diapers and wipes and gadgets in it for my car. It was just the right size to put some spares in and hide them under my seat.

I agonized over what to get both of these girls as they had babies within days of each other. I wanted to buy them both Bundle Me's but then I realized I was talking about uber creative women here and I scrapped that idea. So I thought and thought and though about something I can do. I finally came up with a small idea that I can actually make myself and I've also commissioned a new friend to make this other great thing for them. Soooo they have to have a little patience but thy will so be getting some really awesome gifts from me in the mail as soon as I stop being a lazy ass!

Thank you both again so freaking much I loooooove the gifts!

PHATSO PHOTOS 37 WEEKS 6 DAYS

This was Tuesday

Do you think this kid wants to get out or what.

This was Wednesday

This is what a baby looks like when he is saying LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!!!!!

Also no clue what was wrong with my camera making the bottom all white, something with the way it was set up. Anyway this kid is coming in out in one week!

Touchy subject

A few weeks ago Cakerwakers posted about the possibility of something happening to her during her surgery in a few weeks. I've thought this same thing. While I didn't want to discuss it much or dwell to much on the negative I did take the time to write a letter to my son Brandon. You are all now responsible for somehow making sure this letter finds it's way into his hands when he is older. I have kept up on writing little notes or letters to him on my other blog, Letters to Brandon, over there on the left side. So now, one of you some day, will have to remember, if anything ever happened to me, my son needs to find that site, the one that is dedicated in whole to him so he always knows, he was my whole life. Good luck ya'll I trust one of you will succeed in your mission!

You are all sick sick people

So the other day I posted about throwing away chocolate cake. I am shocked at all of you. SHOCKED YOU HEAR! I can't believe that every damn one of you told me to get the cake out of the trash. You are sick sick people. Every person I talked to said the same. Are you all serious. THERE ARE GERMS IN TRASH CANS PEOPLE! I can't believe you guys would actually eat something that was in the trash can. All I can visualize is little dirty trash germ bugs covered in goo infesting my cake the second it went in the trash and you people want me to eat it. I think I need to re-evaluate the people in my life. What is by far worse is how many people admitted to doing it. One person even went so far as to say the only thing that stops her from digging out of the trash is to cover the food in salt from head to toe before putting it in the trash. ARE YOU GUYS KIDDING ME? You have to cover it in salt as a deterrent. Aren't the gooey trash bugs deterrents enough?

SICK SICK PEOPLE!

Excuse me I need to go wash my hands now!

Guest posting

I've been guest posting over at Ginger's blog while she is out of town. I decided since all of you were sending me your drunk stories I figured I would go ahead and post mine on her blog. Go read it, it's a doosey.

My last doctors visit!!!!

I had my pre-op / last doctors visit today. I have some huge news to report. I am spawning a second Brandon. That's right this child is just as fucking defiant as my first and he isn't even born yet. The nurse was trying to get his heart beat and the second the doppler touched my belly he went nuts. He wasn't having it. Anytime she picked up his heart beat he would kick and squirm away till she lost it. It took a full damn five minutes for her to find it and was getting to the point where she thought the doctor might have to come find it for her. Anyway the doctor came in and asked if I wanted an exam and I just laughed at him. I informed him that even though we are doing a C-section he should probably pack his spare set of Jaws Of Life to get this kid out because he is not coming out from under my ribs. He laughed and said if I felt that way I probably didn't need an exam. I haven't gained in weight in the last week which is good since I've been eating really well. Then we went in and he had me sign the consent for C-section. Don't worry guys it is totally safe. I can only end up, dead, deformed, paralyzed, infected.....the list went on and on. I guess in the end it is a good thing I have a doctor I trust with my whole life, and typing this better not jinx me. Then we talked about tubal ligation. Since my hospital and insurance are both Catholic they in no way shape or form cover that unless it is necessary. This is because it is considered birth control and apparently Catholics don't like birth control or something. Anyway he tells me that if my uterus is thin at the bottom he can do a tubal ligation and insurance will then cover it. So we are now THINKING THIN PEOPLE! Because you see Rob and I only want two kids and if I don't get my tubes tied during the surgery we are going to have to have his "stuff" snipped and we have to pay for the whole thing ourselves, because again, the stupid Catholic insurance thing. Anywhoo I'm really excited about the possibility of having that shit all done in one surgery. He also said he promises to take my tattoo into consideration again when he is cutting me open. Oh yeah and as long as I can fart, pee, take my pills and eat then I can go home when ever I'm ready weeeehaw no more 4 days in the hospital shit as long as all goes well.

So to sum up WE ARE HAVING A BABY IN A WEEK!

Day Two

Jen will be posting on Saturday November 17th. So Jen you will have access to my blog that day to write anything you want. Don't forget because you have to keep up with my NaBloPoMo. You can write anything you want. Here is Jen's story.

Ok, so during the period of time before Erick and I got together- but after the whole Burning Man/Keturah ORDEAL I was TRYING to get over Erick- so I went out drinking with the girls. We went to a bar sorta-kinda near my house (Probably 12-15 blocks away) where we knew the bartender and he gave us really REALLY cheap drinks. LOVE!

OMg was so drunk it's hard to remember exactly how this happened. Anywhoo- somehow I struck up a conversation with this REALLY cute guy. We got to talking. Turns out he was an artist. A painter to be exact. We talked about poetry and writing and all kinds of stuff. He said that he had gone to medical school for alternative medicine and knew all kinds of cool stuff. Or at least stuff that sounded cool after 6 whiskey and gingers.

Soo my sister and the girls are drunk and ready to leave and they're like "Come on Jen! Let's go!" and I'm like "Nah- that's ok. I'm going to stay and hang out with Cute Boy." My sister immediately gave me a look and was like "I should NOT be leaving you alone with some guy you don't know. Come home with us NOW." And I was like "NOOOO It's OK! I will totally call you if I need you!" Jill is pissed and doesn't think it's a good idea, thinks the guy is creepy... whatever. She leaves with the girls and I stay with cute boy.

Cute boy and I get reeeeeeeeeally wasted. I think I paid my tab. We then proceeded to walk the 15 blocks back to my apartment. However, on the way there we decided to stop and have sex no less than like 15 times. We did it in the bark in front of an elementary school, we did it on someone's driveway, we did it in the bushes, we did it on the hood of someone's car, on my front step, etc, etc, etc....

So. We finally get back to my apartment and the guy is acting all weird. Like after all that sex he still wasn't satisfied and was like getting kinda rough with me. It got to the point where I slapped him across the face- HARD! He was totally shocked, but it didn't make him leave. After a bunch more struggling he ended up passing out on my futon and I stayed up and watched a movie and smoked cigarettes because there was NO WAY I was going to sleep with that guy in my apartment.

Then, a couple hours later the guy totally ROLLS OFF THE FUTON and hits the ground HARD! Then he gets up, walks into my kitchen where I have a spare TV sitting in the corner, and he takes like the HUGEST PEE EVER! RIGHT ON MY TV! IN MY KITCHEN! IT was the most enormous amount of pee I had ever seen!!

I ran in and was like "OMG DID YOU JUST PEE ON MY TV?!"

The guy looks at me and is like "What?!" He totally didn't get what was going on. I was like "OMG GET THE FUCCCCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!" He fought me. I kicked him out. Screamed at him. He stood on the front step banging on the door for a while and finally left. I was all freaked out and decided to call my friend Cody to come over and make sure he was gone... but I couldn't find my phone anywhere!! THE A-HOLE HAD STOLEN MY PHONE!!! I didn't have a house phone...I was PISSSSED but eventually went to bed.

I woke up the next morning and the dude had left my cell phone in my mail slot. He then proceeded to call me like 45X a day for the next month apologizing over and over and over again but I never answered. It took TWO ENTIRE ROLLS of paper towels to clean up all his pee!!

I still see him around out and about and I refuse to even look in his direction. Erick thinks this whole story is hilarious.

Let's not get crazy here, my son isn't all cute and belicious

First of all yesterday was my 800th post. Hmmm thats a lot of typing huh.

Anyway yesterday after posting about my sons sweet little pretend cooking phase the rest of the day pretty much took a turn for the worse. Brandon was being a total shit. In fact he was being such a shit head that I told him no less then three times yesterday, "you are being such a shit head." Yeah wanna guess what kind of looks I received from my uber conservative mommy friend when I said that? We went to lunch and he wanted to crawl on the floor or throw napkins. We went to Target and he was hell bent on grabbing every goddamn piece of clothing off the rack, ripping it off the hanger and tossing it on the floor. I should mention I was at Target with a friend who works at Target so she was less then impressed with this. Plus she had to pick most of it up since me and the giant pregnant belly have a hard time bending over with out my extremely expanded ass crack sticking out, while holding my back and groaning owwwwwwwww as I try and stand back up. Yeah I'm sexy. He didn't care about time out, he wanted to hit and throw and jump and fly and just all around get on my nerves. By the end of the day I was so far at my wits end I wouldn't even let him have the piece of candy he discovered in his Halloween bucket.

Earlier that morning he was on the toilet going poop. He would poop a little then turn around and flush and quickly look in the toilet to watch the poop go down. Then he would poop some more and so on and so forth. He found this hilarious. He found it so hilarious he kept flushing the toilet while I was on it peeing. This was all fine until he did it while I was at Smiths. The next thing I know WOOOOOOSH and my ass is covered in water. I mean totally soaked. Yeah seems like those commercial toilets are super duper duper powerful. So side note to you, if you were walking behind that big fat pregnant girl at Smiths yesterday NO I DIDN'T PISS MYSELF I just had my ass soaked by my son who thinks toilet flushing is funny.

However my son totally made up for his shitheadedness that night when he exclaimed that he had to pee and my husband grabbed him to help run him to the potty and Brandon instead peed all over my husband. It was the most glorious moment of the whole day watching my husband come shrieking from the bathroom that Brandon just peed on him. I was trying to stifle a laugh so I didn't respond so he ran by again shrieking louder in case I didn't hear that Brandon just peed on him. I busted out laughing and just said, well next time he has to pee you should help him get there a little faster huh. Ahhh that made the whole day totally worth it for me!