return of the granny panties

Jen and I were talking the other day about buying underwear when we were pregnant. I advised her to never buy maternity undies. They are the most poorly designed things ever. I told her just to get some nice cotton undies, thong or regular as long as they were soft and sort of stretchy. I told her I loved a lot of the stuff at Gap Body. Later the next day I was picking out my days undies and I found my favorite plain old low cut cotton stretchy briefs with little flowers on them and a cute pink rim. I couldn't put them on fast enough. Then I remembered that I got these at the Gap Body sale. Now, when this store has a sale the best part is that everything is ridiculous cheap. Meaning I got undies ranging from .37 to .97 and bras for 1.97 at the most. Then I remembered that since it was a sale the selection was small, meaning I was only able to find one pair of the worlds softest panties. Now, this morning I go to my underwear drawer and I see no soft cotton panties and I'm sad. Really sad. I had to settle for something that is already giving me a wedgie and its only 9. Would it be wrong of me to just wash the same pair of undies every night for comfort sake or should I go on an underwear mission, only to find the perfect panties and discover they are going to cost me the equivalent of my first born and second born and my left toes?

A how to guide to parenting, part 2

HOW TO CREATE A SLIP AND SLIDE IN A PINCH

Tools needed:
1- Tile entryway (linoleum might also work)
1- Toddler

Step one: Leave toddler unattended for about 43 seconds (or long enough for mom to go pee with the door closed allll by herself)

Step two: Come back to find toddler splashing in water on your tile floor

Step three: Watch as toddler backs away about 15 feet and runs full speed toward water puddle

Step four: Realize, now that it is too late that,
A: Toddler is not wearing a diaper
B: Puddle of water is actually quite yellow and looks like pee

Step five: As you try and stop it and realize what is about to happen, watch as toddler gleefully throws himself onto his belly and slides across the tile floor in his pee

Step six: Stand there sort of dumbfounded as he splashes and slides and wiggles in pee

Step seven: Realize holy shit my child is playing in pee and stick him in sink to rinse

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Step eight: Realize that now for the rest of his life you are going to keep an eye on him, because why would he come to you and say "potty" when he can easily go create a slip and slide on the floor (which he did again 20 minutes later)?

MOVIE TIME

IF YOU HAVE 7 MINUTES AND 26 SECONDS TO WASTE WATCH THIS!





Brandon amusing himself from wilddreemer on Vimeo

My sons new way to amuse himself

These are all of my perfume bottles, and other smelly good potions and lotions. Looks normal right?

How about a close up..

Notice all of my missing sprayers....ya apparently my son is real offended by perfume bottles that actually spray perfume

Giggle award winner

Well since none of you shit heads submitted anything for the giggle awards, I took it upon myself to find stuff that made me laugh. At first, I read this, and I thought it might win.

BUT THEN!!!!

I read this. And I'm still laughing. This shit cracks me up! Go Jen. You totally made my day. It is so wonderful to have people admit that shit isn't always wine and roses. THANK YOU JEN I LOVE YOU FOR MAKING IT SO I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!

Is chivalry dead? or, am I just whining?

Wednesday I had to stop at the store and pick up every thing for my BBQ this weekend. Now, I may only be about 14 weeks pregnant, but sometimes I feel like I'm about 7 or 8 months. Mainly it is when I have stand up from sitting on the floor or lift heavy things. Two of the things on my list were watermelon and bottle water. The sale that week was for the pack of 35 bottles of water. That alone was ultra heavy and on the bottom shelf of course. Being lazy I stuck it on the bottom of the cart so I don't have to lift it far, because even that amount of lifting felt a little straining. My watermelon was a big ole fatty. I get to the check out and leave the water at the bottom of the cart and the lady so graciously scans it for me there. Finally I'm all done and I'm walking at turtle speed and my body hurts and the cart is so heavy and I'm even asking myself if I can be any more whiny and pouty if I tried. I'm walking out the store, across the little spot you drive toward the parking lot. I'm trying to hurry because this very important guy in his extra important SUV is sighing at me and giving me dirty looks telling me to waddle my ass a little fatter so he can continue rushing off to his very important places. Look at me, I'm so frazzled by this I just wrote the king of all run on sentences.

ANNNNNNNYWAY As I'm waddle/rushing in front of this guy, my water comes crashing off my cart upside down on to the pavement. In this second I stop and I swear by looking at me you can tell I want to cry. I'm visibaly flustered and I just look at the guy pitifully. HE LOOKS THE OTHER WAY AND SIGHS LIKE WILL THIS GIRL HURRY UP. Then I finally try and bend down to pick up the water, and now would be a good time to tell you, this was the same day I wrote the post about my pants sliding off my ass because they were too big and missing the drawstring. So now here I am trying to pull my pants up with one hand, drag the water towards the cart with the other, finally giving in and letting my pants slide down to show my fabulous flower undies, I heft up the water with all the grace of a 2 year old and shove it on the top corner of my cart balancing it there with one hand and pulling my pants with the other. I ever so slowly start to move again and this guy is still getting frustrated and all twitchy looking. Finally I move out of his way and he zooms off so quick my water almost falls of again.


SO! The actual point here. Was it rude of him to just sit there watching me and sigh like a dick wad, or should he have gotten out to help an obviously frustrated girl in need? Oooor is it my fault for not puffing my belly out a little farther making it obvious I'm pregnant? Or is it option three that chivalry has been dead for a long time and I'm a stupid little girl for thinking he would help?

You know my husband always stops and helps people push their cars out of the road when they are broken down, why couldn't this guy help me with me 40 pound water?

How to turn your ass into a slide!

Step 1: Wear silky smooth undies

Step 2: Wear sweats with no drawsting

Step 3: Walk 5 steps

Step 4: Watch as sweats slide down over silky smooth undies and down around your knees.

A how to guide to parenting

HOW TO MAKE YOUR TODDLER HAVE A MELTDOWN IN 4 SECONDS!

We are teaching Brandon to say please and thank you. So usually when he asks for something I hold it back and say, "SAY PLEASE". Then he will choose to say please or not, depending on how bad he want something.

HOWEVER! DO NOT TRY THIS WHILE WITH HOLDING YOUR CHILDS MILK!

I filled up his milk and he was jumping around the kitchen giggling. Then I shut the fridge and said, Brandon say please. That was all it took, he started crying. So I put the milk on the counter, and said, "Honey just say please." He tried to reach the counter and before I knew it he went from giggling to full on melt down. Sobs, tears, screams, body shakes and all. I tried and tried to get him to say please and the more I tried the harder and louder he sobbed. Finally I handed over the milk. He was crying so bad that even after that he was still sniffling and sobbing and no longer wanting to play, he only wanted to cuddle and watch Incredibles with his prized milk.

So. Lesson of the day. DON'T FUCK WITH YOUR CHILD AND HIS MILK!

Misplaced

I know you all got a good laugh out of me leaving the cheese in the cheese drawer. However, when my son does this, it isn't funny its just plain cute.

Things Brandon has hidden:

1. A Bob the Builder CD. This was found in the bathroom drawer placed there totally with a purpose.

2. One set of work keys, found in the grass behind my work.

3. A flashlight, found inside the fridge on the bottom shelf, by the milk.

4. Toilet bowl scrubber, found inside the trash can.

5. Numerous milks found both in the cabinet inside of my pots and pans, AND behind the bookshelf in my living room.

6. Little socks these can be found under his TV stand on the bottom shelf in a nice little pile.

7. A whole roll of toilet paper. This can be found unrolled and then shoved in the toilet.

8. The bedroom remote, always in the living room.

9. The playstation controller never stays in the Playstation room it is always moved into the living room.

10. One half jumbo Costco size bottle of Emerils seasoning can be found on the kitchen floor and in my childs hair.

Spoke to soon

I was chatting with my aunt last night on yahoo. She asked how I was feeling. HA! I said this,

"Actually if my boobs didn't hurt I wouldn't even know I was pregnant. I'm not sick, my belly isn't popping out, and i'm not even having any weird side effects!"

This morning I woke up and I have wanted to puke now 4 times. Once when I opened the diaper pale. Once, when I changed a poopy diaper that I'm pretty sure was rotten sewage in disguise, once when my shit head cousin started sniffing his cast and tried blowing stink air out of it with a bike pump, and once just walking down the hall. Oh and once now reliving the cast thing.

Why did I open my big damn mouth? HUH? WHY!!!!!!!!