How about a close up..
Well since none of you shit heads submitted anything for the giggle awards, I took it upon myself to find stuff that made me laugh. At first, I read this, and I thought it might win.
BUT THEN!!!!
I read this. And I'm still laughing. This shit cracks me up! Go Jen. You totally made my day. It is so wonderful to have people admit that shit isn't always wine and roses. THANK YOU JEN I LOVE YOU FOR MAKING IT SO I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!
Wednesday I had to stop at the store and pick up every thing for my BBQ this weekend. Now, I may only be about 14 weeks pregnant, but sometimes I feel like I'm about 7 or 8 months. Mainly it is when I have stand up from sitting on the floor or lift heavy things. Two of the things on my list were watermelon and bottle water. The sale that week was for the pack of 35 bottles of water. That alone was ultra heavy and on the bottom shelf of course. Being lazy I stuck it on the bottom of the cart so I don't have to lift it far, because even that amount of lifting felt a little straining. My watermelon was a big ole fatty. I get to the check out and leave the water at the bottom of the cart and the lady so graciously scans it for me there. Finally I'm all done and I'm walking at turtle speed and my body hurts and the cart is so heavy and I'm even asking myself if I can be any more whiny and pouty if I tried. I'm walking out the store, across the little spot you drive toward the parking lot. I'm trying to hurry because this very important guy in his extra important SUV is sighing at me and giving me dirty looks telling me to waddle my ass a little fatter so he can continue rushing off to his very important places. Look at me, I'm so frazzled by this I just wrote the king of all run on sentences.
ANNNNNNNYWAY As I'm waddle/rushing in front of this guy, my water comes crashing off my cart upside down on to the pavement. In this second I stop and I swear by looking at me you can tell I want to cry. I'm visibaly flustered and I just look at the guy pitifully. HE LOOKS THE OTHER WAY AND SIGHS LIKE WILL THIS GIRL HURRY UP. Then I finally try and bend down to pick up the water, and now would be a good time to tell you, this was the same day I wrote the post about my pants sliding off my ass because they were too big and missing the drawstring. So now here I am trying to pull my pants up with one hand, drag the water towards the cart with the other, finally giving in and letting my pants slide down to show my fabulous flower undies, I heft up the water with all the grace of a 2 year old and shove it on the top corner of my cart balancing it there with one hand and pulling my pants with the other. I ever so slowly start to move again and this guy is still getting frustrated and all twitchy looking. Finally I move out of his way and he zooms off so quick my water almost falls of again.
SO! The actual point here. Was it rude of him to just sit there watching me and sigh like a dick wad, or should he have gotten out to help an obviously frustrated girl in need? Oooor is it my fault for not puffing my belly out a little farther making it obvious I'm pregnant? Or is it option three that chivalry has been dead for a long time and I'm a stupid little girl for thinking he would help?
You know my husband always stops and helps people push their cars out of the road when they are broken down, why couldn't this guy help me with me 40 pound water?
Step 1: Wear silky smooth undies
Step 2: Wear sweats with no drawsting
Step 3: Walk 5 steps
Step 4: Watch as sweats slide down over silky smooth undies and down around your knees.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR TODDLER HAVE A MELTDOWN IN 4 SECONDS!
We are teaching Brandon to say please and thank you. So usually when he asks for something I hold it back and say, "SAY PLEASE". Then he will choose to say please or not, depending on how bad he want something.
HOWEVER! DO NOT TRY THIS WHILE WITH HOLDING YOUR CHILDS MILK!
I filled up his milk and he was jumping around the kitchen giggling. Then I shut the fridge and said, Brandon say please. That was all it took, he started crying. So I put the milk on the counter, and said, "Honey just say please." He tried to reach the counter and before I knew it he went from giggling to full on melt down. Sobs, tears, screams, body shakes and all. I tried and tried to get him to say please and the more I tried the harder and louder he sobbed. Finally I handed over the milk. He was crying so bad that even after that he was still sniffling and sobbing and no longer wanting to play, he only wanted to cuddle and watch Incredibles with his prized milk.
So. Lesson of the day. DON'T FUCK WITH YOUR CHILD AND HIS MILK!
I know you all got a good laugh out of me leaving the cheese in the cheese drawer. However, when my son does this, it isn't funny its just plain cute.
Things Brandon has hidden:
1. A Bob the Builder CD. This was found in the bathroom drawer placed there totally with a purpose.
2. One set of work keys, found in the grass behind my work.
3. A flashlight, found inside the fridge on the bottom shelf, by the milk.
4. Toilet bowl scrubber, found inside the trash can.
5. Numerous milks found both in the cabinet inside of my pots and pans, AND behind the bookshelf in my living room.
6. Little socks these can be found under his TV stand on the bottom shelf in a nice little pile.
7. A whole roll of toilet paper. This can be found unrolled and then shoved in the toilet.
8. The bedroom remote, always in the living room.
9. The playstation controller never stays in the Playstation room it is always moved into the living room.
10. One half jumbo Costco size bottle of Emerils seasoning can be found on the kitchen floor and in my childs hair.
I was chatting with my aunt last night on yahoo. She asked how I was feeling. HA! I said this,
"Actually if my boobs didn't hurt I wouldn't even know I was pregnant. I'm not sick, my belly isn't popping out, and i'm not even having any weird side effects!"
This morning I woke up and I have wanted to puke now 4 times. Once when I opened the diaper pale. Once, when I changed a poopy diaper that I'm pretty sure was rotten sewage in disguise, once when my shit head cousin started sniffing his cast and tried blowing stink air out of it with a bike pump, and once just walking down the hall. Oh and once now reliving the cast thing.
Why did I open my big damn mouth? HUH? WHY!!!!!!!!
So I was reading some random baby thing and it said, the reason pregnant women get sick so much and so bad while they are pregnant is because your body actually shuts down the immune system so that it won't reject the baby!! Aha? It all makes sense. Now I'm not so mad about being sick, I guess I would rather be sick then have my body kick my baby out...that would be cold for the baby.
This weekend, I went to my moms house to help her fix her computer. During this mess we had to call her internet provider and ask them if there were any problems with her connection. I had to call because to put it nicely, "SBC INTERNET SERVICE SUCKS BIG ASSHOLE!" I'm on the phone with this lady, who I can barely hear. SINCE I can barely hear her, I can't tell what nationality she is, including if she is American! I have to state this now, so you can understand my frustration later. I explain no less then three times to this lady what I want. I explain, that we have put a private password on my moms router and I need to reset it. She keeps saying, ma'am I can't help with your e-mail password????? Huh, I'm not even talking about e-mail. Finally I get upset and I say, these words exactly,
"Is there someone else I can speak to, I'm not sure your understanding what I'm trying to say here, maybe a fresh pair of ears will help us."
Her reply,
"SO WHAT YOU MEAN IS YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE AMERICAN?"
HUH?
I ask her to please repeat that because I wasn't really sure I heard her actually say that to me.
"YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO AN AMERICAN?"
I pause for a second and say, "NO, I simply would like to speak to someone else because I just don't think you are understanding what I'm saying. I think you think I am talking about something else. If you wouldn't mind can I just speak to someone else?"
She tells me no, that everyone there is busy and I'm stuck with her. Finally I'm so overwhelmed with this lady I hand the phone to my mom. She asks the lady if she really just asked me if I wanted to talk to an American. The lady replies "Yes I did!" All mater o factly like! Moms like okay, now you really pissed me off, I want a manager now, that was rude and inappropriate, I was sitting right here, and never once did my daughter imply that she wanted someone else because you aren't American. Then my mom says this,
"Can I just ask you ma'am on a personal level what nationality you are?"
The lady responds with,
"Filipino"
My mom starts laughing and says,
"Do you realize, you just asked my daughter, who is MARRIED to a Filipino and who has a half Filipino son and another half Filipino child inside of her, if she would like to speak to an American?"
Moms really laughing at this point. She asks the lady how it is fair for her to make an assumption that I would be racist simply based on me being American? The lady was basically stumped. My mom continues, that maybe that lady shouldn't say things like that because she never knows who someone is related to, or married to and that you shouldn't make assumptions like that, especially when I in no way suggested she wasn't English. In the end the lady felt stupid and told my mom to tell me she was sorry, because she didn't realize that I had Filipino family.
I just don't understand. I felt like that was reverse racism or something. Like this girl was angry at me for being American or whatever. I'm one of the least racist people I know. I like everyone. I've had crushes on every ethnicity AND I MARRIED A DAMN FILIPINO. I will admit there are parts of my neighborhood I'm afraid to walk by, and they are inhabited by Hispanics, that is not why I'm afraid though. I'm afraid because the SWAT team has already raided their house because they are involved with drugs and gangs. I am also afraid because their are always some very fishy things going on outside. Not to mention, the rest of my non racist friends are also a little afraid of those couple houses. However, there are plenty of white people who scare me, and black people and purple people too. So it frustrates me, that this woman made such a judgment about me with out knowing a damn thing about me!
After thinking about this a little longer, the part I find amusing, is that I speak some Filipino. I actually could have showed off and said a few things to this woman, who assumed I didn't understand her, simply because she was Filipino. Now that I think about it, maybe it would have been more effective had I told her "Thank you, but kiss my ass in Filipino!"
I'm watching Oprah on Tivo right now. She is doing a show called Cheers to You! She just brought on this lady Debbie from Operation Cuddle. What she does is help moms who want to give up their baby, instead of leaving it in a trash somewhere. Also, she helps moms with no money get prenatal care and even sets up adoptive families. One girl whose family was really upset she was pregnant so young, called Debbie and then next thing she knew they had thrown a baby shower, gotten her an OB and so on. The little girl is now six and her mom decided to keep her after seeing at the shower how many people were so happy for the baby to come. All the babies, and happiness and surprises have really gotten me bawling now. I'm not sure I can finish the story. I'm just glad my husband is outside because I'm actually crying that ugly cry with terrible sobbing and snorts. Uggggg, leave it to Oprah to make me blubber
